


Our Hill of Stars

by mahixa



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Fix-It, Fluff, M/M, Requited Love, Slow Burn, Smut, baby harry is so cute, friends to lovers to exes to "enemies" to co-parents to friends to lovers, let them be happy, let them be in love again, wolfstar, wolfstar as parents, wolfstar raising Harry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-18 01:40:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28859001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mahixa/pseuds/mahixa
Summary: After 31 of October 1981, Sirius takes Harry with him and escapes to the only place he knows they can be safe. Remus is shocked to see Sirius on his doorstep - they haven’t been together for six long months. When he notices Harry and understands what has happened, his heart breaks yet again. Now they have to fight for Harry’s future, and in process of time, they slowly rediscover their trust and feelings for each other.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 93
Kudos: 194





	1. No words spoken.

The night was black and so was Sirius’s coffee.

Remus would tell him to drink less of “ _that crap_ ”, but Remus was not there.

Sirius hated himself for noticing this fact. He seemed to be incapable of _not_ noticing that, actually. He wondered how it was possible for people to usually notice only when somebody was present. Sirius, on the other hand, noticed Remus’s painful absence, and he did it to such an extent that he couldn’t function properly. This heavy, huge, overwhelming Emptiness that never faded away and hunted him wherever he went – it was unbearable.

The Emptiness roamed around Sirius; It didn’t answer his questions, nor offered anything more than a cold gaze. Sirius woke up by Its side and got drunk next to It. It was everywhere – the Emptiness found Its way to enter his kitchen, his bedroom, and even his bathroom. It had the key to the flat he used to share with Remus. It fed on Sirius’s thoughts and grew with each day.

_One hell of a hungry bastard._

And yes – maybe it had been six months since their break up. And maybe it had been rough and cold and agonising. And maybe it was a part of Sirius’s life he didn’t want to talk about. Not to James, even.

But there was war going on and the Order sent them on different missions all over the country, and so it helped Sirius to cope. Just a little bit. Just for a moment.

And when he would come back to London after his missions, there was always James and Lily and baby Harry. Whenever Lily let Sirius hold his godson in his arms, the Emptiness seemed to be locked in somewhere else. Sometimes It managed to break into the room, though, and then It would stand next to Sirius, with Its cold hand resting unceasingly on Sirius’s shoulder; it happened only when Harry reached out for someone who was not there with them, but used to be.

“Moo-ey,” he cooed, smiling.

“Oh, love, no,” Lily whispered, taking Harry away from Sirius. “Uncle Moony is not here.”

Things like that happened from time to time, and it felt as if someone was trying to use _immobulus_ on Sirius, freezing him in time and space. Leaving him unable to move or speak.

“Man, I-” James started, because he noticed, he always did, but his best friend stopped him.

“Don’t.”

Remus didn’t visit the Potters as often as he used to, and for sure he avoided this place when Sirius was there. Sometimes Sirius would hear someone mentioning Remus’s name during the Order meetings. Sometimes he got to catch a glimpse of that tall, familiar figure, walking at the end of the hallway, talking about another mission with other members of the Order. He would stare at this precious honey hair, which soon was lost in the shadows of an old building, untouchable and so far away from Sirius’s fingers that it hurt.

But they were no longer together, and he had heard way too many stories - about family members, friends or partners betraying their loved ones - to trust anyone now. It was better to be alone. It really was better this way.

“These are truly trying times,” Edgar Bones had told Sirius on one rainy day nine months ago. “And believe me, everyone can be a spy. Listen to me, Black. I don’t even trust you. Yes, don’t give me that look,” he scolded the young man and smirked meanly. “It’s better to be paranoid than to be wrong.”

_It’s better to be paranoid than to be wrong._

So Sirius had gotten paranoid. So what? The Potters and their protection was his only priority. Everyone else could go and fuck themselves.

And there he was, on 31 October 1981, finishing his fifth coffee of the day and getting ready to head home. He was well aware that the Emptiness would follow him there, as always, but he tried to shrug off that feeling. When he wanted to stand up, he was interrupted by a man.

“Hello there, handsome,” a random stranger had the nerve to come up to Sirius on a day like this. “Come here often?”

Without asking, he sat in front of the young Black and smiled. Next to him there sat the Emptiness, staring at Sirius, and it made everything worse. Sirius blinked, cleared his throat and stood up slowly, reaching out for his wallet.

“Thanks, but no.”

The man seemed to be offended.

“Well, you can bugger off then!” he stated, looking at Sirius with a sudden disgust.

“Listen, sweetheart,” Sirius leant towards the man, his grey eyes sparkling dangerously. “I’m not just some guy you want to piss off, so don’t come to _me_ and then tell _me_ to bugger off.”

The stranger swallowed hard as he clearly saw the other man was not joking.

“Jesus, okay, I’m sorry,” he raised his hands in a peaceful gesture.

Sirius turned around, feeling tired and annoyed. It was definitely time to go home now.

He opened his wallet on his way to a waitress, but stopped midway when he heard two old women talking with barely hidden excitement – truly worthy of a typical busybody.

“...yes, and that short boy has to be some killer, though they say he didn’t look strong or scary enough to be one!”

“Exactly!” the woman looked through the window and fixed her hair when she saw her reflection. “I’ve heard Mr. Thompson say something about that boy was trembling and shaking and vomiting before he entered the shop, and that it all happened very fast, as if he appeared out of nowhere.”

Sirius stopped and listened.

“And then, BOOM, explosion! And he was running around with a stick, Marie! With a stick! Mr. Thompson told me so. A short wooden stick, like a lunatic! And he was begging everyone to hide him. He was trying to hide like some rat! And-”

Sirius felt like he was going to faint any minute now. Peter…? That was impossible... And even if, would that mean any harm to...-

He pulled himself together and came to the chatting women.

“Miss, what shop?” Sirius looked down at the old lady, his voice strangled. “What, shop,” he repeated, emphasising every word, as the woman opened her mouth like a fish, looking a bit surprised by the young man’s tone and behaviour.

At first she blinked and looked at her friend, confused, but then looked up at Sirius and said:

“It’s just around the corner, this old souvenir shop. But-”

Sirius was already walking backwards, heading towards the door, hoping it was all just a bad feeling and not what he thought it was. He stumbled a little and when his back met the door, he quickly opened them and found himself surrounded by the cold London air.

The street was busy and loud, and there were police investigating what had happened.

“He’s escaped? What do you mean he has escaped?!” some officer was screaming at other policemen. “There was an explosion and you let him go?!”

It was way too many of them to get pass and Sirius knew they wouldn’t let him ask any questions. Not wasting any moment longer, he ran to his motorcycle and one second later he was already driving it, as fast as he could. When he turned left into a dark lane where nobody could see him, his motorcycle lifted from the ground and Sirius headed to the Potters.

It was the first time in years when Sirius was praying to whomever was listening.

***

Remus looked at the clock and felt his headache coming. He had been working way too much over the past few months, but that was the only way for him to remain relatively sane.

He huffed at the thought of losing his mind. Hadn’t he already done that? Hadn’t everybody?

So maybe that was not about him _not_ becoming insane. Maybe it was about the fact the he felt like without work, he would become nothing. No goal, no aim, no purpose. He’d never felt more alone in his life, that’s for sure, so he needed anything to hold onto. And if that meant him becoming a workaholic, then it had to be this way.

He shrugged.

And it was not like he didn’t visit the Potters any more. He did, but Sirius visited them very often too, and so Remus couldn’t be there at the same time. He just couldn’t. He had been trying for months and failed. He was not going to do that again to himself.

There was some whisky left on a table and he hesitated for a moment, before picking it up. He remembered what some old psychological book said about “ _talking to somebody about one’s problems_ ” and how “ _alcohol is not a solution_ ”.

He remembered when Sirius used to joke that yes – according to chemistry, alcohol _is_ a solution. Remus would then roll his eyes and kiss Sirius relentlessly, laughing that this is the only way to stop him from saying such crappy jokes.

And he hated himself for bringing this memory to life. But, to be honest, that was all he was doing these days. He worked, and then reminisced. Avoided looking at himself in the mirror, too.

The full moons were the most difficult part. After the break up, James offered that he would come and transform into a stag for Remus to keep him company, but Remus said no.

“You have a kid now, Prongs,” he smiled, looking at Harry’s dark, messy hair.

“So maybe Peter-” Lily started, but Remus shook his head.

“Haven’t heard from Peter in weeks. I’m okay, though. I can do it on my own. I had been doing it on my own before I met you, and I was a child back then. I can handle it.”

He could not handle it. The transformations had never been more painful. The silencing charms he used would protect him from any kind of questions the day after full moon, but he looked like a wreck nevertheless – and that resulted in him being asked about his condition anyway.

So he lied. Any kind of injuries and new scars he could blame on the missions Dumbledore would send them to. Then nobody cared. Well, James and Lily did, but they were busy being parents now. He didn’t blame them. He was happy for them.

Sometimes he thought that he felt Sirius’s gaze on him. Then, he remembered how everybody in the Order was talking about “Black getting paranoid”. So that was probably it. Sirius watching every step of every single Order member.

Suddenly, there was a weird feeling in Remus’s chest. An eerie forebodingness, as if something had happened. He pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep, he thought. He looked at a glass next to the bottle of alcohol.

_No whiskey for you today, Remus._

***

If Sirius hadn’t died inside at that moment, he would have cried.

Harry’s quiet sobbing was the only sound in the house. Sirius couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t move. Couldn’t think.

He felt as if his head was going to explode, and he was not sure if his heart was beating way too fast or if it was not beating at all.

He wanted to vomit and was ready to faint any second now.

The image of James’s bare feet appeared in front of his eyes. His broken glasses and parted lips. Messy hair and unmoving chest. His brother was-

He stood up from his knees and then sat on a chair. Cold sweat attacked his whole body as he was trembling uncontrollably. He stood up again. Pulled his hair. Sat down. Stood up again. Sat down.

“Oh God, no,” he mumbled to himself. “ _Fuck, fuck, fuck_ , please no. Please. Let it be me. Let it be me. Please. Not them. Not them. _Please_.”

Harry’s crying was getting louder and louder.

Lily was not moving; lying face down, her beautiful hair looking almost dark. He closed his eyes, unable to look at his best friend.

The memory came uninvited.

“ _You know what, Pads,” James had told him just two months ago. “If anything happens to me and Lily, promise me something.”_

“ _Hey, don’t say that,” Sirius gently swatted James’s head. “Nothing’s going to happen.”_

“ _If anything happens to us, you will take-”_

“ _No. Nothing is going to happen.”_

“ _Promise me, Sirius.”_

He could almost hear James’s voice and feel his hands grabbing his shoulders. He remembered his strong gaze.

And so that meant… that Remus wasn’t… that it was Peter who…

He screamed, burying his face in his hands.

And then he did the only thing he could think of. He picked up his godson, holding him tight, and ran out of the house. He placed Harry in the small basket attached to his motorcycle and started flying.

_“I promise you, James.”_

***

Whiskey was _definitely_ something to drink on that day, Remus thought to himself. He didn’t care that he should not make a habit out of it. What else did he have to lose? How could he thought it was not a good idea to drink that night?

Just a little more. Just one more sip.

He was not drunk yet, and he was impatiently waiting for that state to come. The young man sat in his big armchair and rubbed his temples. That headache was not going to let go so easily.

It had been an hour since that odd feeling filled his chest, and it seemed to not let go as well. He looked at the clock. Two in the morning had never looked so dull.

Abrupt knock on the door made him drop the glass and he cursed at that. He raised his wand and carefully approached the source of the sound, shocked that anybody could find him in this place. Nobody visited him these days. And not at that hour.

“Remus!”

He froze and automatically lowered his wand.

Remus would recognise that voice everywhere in the world. He would recognise that voice in any language, and under any disguise. In any state. He would be able to hear just one letter spoken with that _voice_ , and he would know who was the owner. And he hated himself for it.

He raised his wand again and stared at the door.

“Who are you?”

He had never asked a more ridiculous question. He knew damn well who that was.

“Just open the door!”

“I said who are you?!” he yelled, aghast.

“It’s me, Sirius!”

Remus closed his eyes. So he was right. But what was he doing there? Waking up the whole building and half of the neighbourhood? Remus couldn't deal with him now.

“Go away.”

“LET ME IN.”

“Why?!”

It had been six months. Six _long_ months during which they barely looked at each other, not to mention talking. That was long forgotten. Him having this through-door conversation with Sirius was so painful that he wished he could experience a full moon instead of this.

 _That’s_ how much it hurt.

“REMUS, FOR FUCK’S SAKE, LET ME IN.”

“How do I know it’s you?” Remus was still holding his wand, ready to protect himself from any kind of impostor.

There was silence on the other side of the door and for a moment Remus thought that the young man behind it changed his mind. Whoever that was, Sirius or someone pretending to be him, could have-

“Respire avec moi,” the voice said.

All the memories came back to Remus and made it impossible to breathe.

“What?” Remus rasped.

“Respire avec moi. I, Sirius Black, said to you, Remus John Lupin, on the day of our first full moon, just before we-”

“OKAY!” Remus stopped Sirius before the latter had a chance to finish.

He didn’t need to hear the rest. Hearing that would end him now, and he was on the verge of jumping out of the window anyway. He didn’t need that.

“I believe you,” he said, coming closer to open the door.

When he did that, he froze.

Nothing in his life could have prepared him for the sight he saw at that moment.

_Nothing._

Sirius’s eyes were dead – two black holes starring at him, contrasting harrowingly with his pale skin. The only sign of him being alive was him panting like crazy.

Remus covered his mouth, and let his gaze focus on a very fidgety Harry. Harry with swollen, red eyes and a wet face.

And at that moment, he knew.

“Jesus Christ…”

He couldn’t think. It was his instinct that forced him to grab Sirius by his wrist and pull him inside his flat. He closed the door with a loud _thump._

“Have you been followed?” now he was panting too, feeling sick.

Sirius shook his head. He was holding Harry, trying to soothe the now crying baby.

“Are they-”

A nod.

“Are you sure that-”

A nod, again.

 _Jesus. Fuck. Jesus Christ._ This was not happening. But… wasn’t Sirius the secret keeper? Wasn’t… so what did it all mean? It was too much for Remus, as he came closer to the young man and whipped Harry from his arms before Sirius could react.

He quickly placed Harry on a big armchair and turned to face Sirius. Remus was distraught with grief. He was livid.

Sirius spoke very quickly, and he sounded nothing like he used to.

“I’ve switched places with Peter.”

“You what?!” Remus was sure he had gone mad.

“Peter was the secret keeper!”

He was taking steps back, simultaneously with Remus, who was moving towards him. Finally, Sirius's back hit the wall.

Remus was towering over him, looking down, amber eyes meeting grey. For the first time since Sirius had entered this flat, Remus saw something in his eyes. There was grief now, sorrow and regret. It was nothing like Remus had ever seen. He had wished to meet Sirius again, but not like that.

 _Not like that_. And now Lily… and James…

“I don’t understand,” Remus whispered, feeling his own heart breaking.

Then Sirius, still panting, started pulling his hair, as he slumped over and fell on the floor.

“I’ve killed them, Remus, I- I thought that Peter being the secret keeper would be the safest option, that nobody would suspect him, and that everybody would suspect _me_ , and that they would find me and try to find out where James is, and I would never tell them, Remus, I would rather die than betray my friends, but what if they would give me veritaserum, I couldn’t stand a chance, and they wouldn’t let me kill myself, and I-” he was crying now, crying so hard and so loudly that it was horrying.

“Sirius,” Remus collapsed on his knees to calm him down. “Sirius, look at me,” he tried to cup Sirius face in his hands, but then Sirius started gasping for air as if he was drowning.

“I- can’t- breathe,” his beautiful, young face was now distorted with such deep sorrow that it looked unrecognisable.

Sirius clung to his chest and pointed at where his heart was.

“I- I- I’m having a heart attack, I-” he was suffocating, so Remus sat down next to him and held him close to himself.

“It’s just a panic attack… hey, I’m here, I’m here, Sirius, _I’m here,_ ” he petted Sirius’s hair. “We will fix it, we will come up with a plan. I’m here _,_ _breathe with me_.”

Sirius was trembling and fighting for every breath, so Remus made sure he was not holding him too close or too tight, allowing him to change positions and move.

“One… two… three… four. Breath with me Sirius, I know you can do it. Come on, I’m here,” tears rolled down Remus’s face, and he closed his eyes. The nightmarish realisation of this night events washed over him and he couldn’t stop it. He slowly understood what had happened. “One… two… three… four… there we go. Breathe. I’m here.”

They both cried that night, quietly, observing Harry who fell asleep on the armchair.

They soon stopped touching, but remained next to each other, sitting on the floor. Neither of them knew which one of them put a blanket on Harry or which one of them brought two glasses of water. Everything became a blur.

And there they were.

Two young men, no older than twenty one, with the weight of the whole world on their shoulders.

No words spoken.


	2. Morning after.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’ve cut your hair,” Sirius noticed, not knowing why would he state something so obvious.  
> But Remus looked at him and his eyes went soft.  
> “Yeah.”  
> “Cool,” that’s all Sirius managed to say before he looked down.  
> As Remus kept feeding Harry in silence, Sirius was peeking at Remus. He didn’t change that much, since their break up. He wore a big sweater, as always, and he was still pretty much the most handsome guy Sirius had ever seen. His honey hair was falling on his forehead, typical for Remus, but it was shorter at the back. A bit uneven too, Sirius thought, and then he remember how bad Remus was at cutting his own hair, but always insisted on doing so. He hated hairdressers and when other people – who were not Sirius – touched his hair.  
> But now things were different, and Sirius was probably not allowed to touch Remus any more.  
> Not that he wanted to. He definitely didn't. Maybe a little bit, though... That was not important, anyway. And so he kept saying that to himself.

The baby was crying.

As far as Remus could tell, he didn’t have one.

Deeply confused, he slowly opened one eye, immediately feeling the painful results of sleeping on the floor.

And then he realised _who_ was crying, and _why_ he spent the night like that.

Sorrow filled his heart and he wished he could feel nothing. He breathed heavily and sat ponderously. He rested his gaze on Sirius who was still in a deep sleep; he had always been a light sleeper, so Remus could only imagine how exhausted he must have been _not_ to wake up to Harry’s loud crying. Remus wondered how many hours of sleep did they get that night. Judging by his current state, a very painful headache and his reaction to the morning light – not so much.

It was weird having Sirius in his flat like that. Soon after they calmed down and stopped crying last night, they stopped touching and just sat there, eventually falling asleep next to each other – the closest they had been in months, and at the same time _so far away_ from each other. It was a very cold night for many reasons.

Remus had spent _months_ wishing for this day to come. To sleep next to Sirius again, close to him, both of them cuddling, like they had done for many years before the break up. He had imagined Sirius knocking on his door for so many times he couldn’t count it. But not like that.

Not after his best friends-

It was unbearable to think about it. He had many questions and answers he didn’t want to ask or hear. He knew what it all could possibly mean, and he knew that right now they were in the most intricate situation possible. Remus was scared and conflicted and felt dazed. It just didn’t make any sense.

James and Lily… dead? They were so gifted, so talented, so… human, as it turned out in the end. And so young; they had their whole life ahead of them. It was unfair and absurd and senseless for them to die like _that_. Millions of bad people live and die when they are old, and these two, precious, wonderful and beautiful people were the ones to die so soon? For what? _Why?_

Remus should have protected them. He should have done something more. Anything. They didn’t deserve to die. If anyone deserved to die, it was him. For being a monster _he_ was. No matter what everybody kept saying, all those lies of “you know the man you truly are, Remus” and “this heart is where you truly live, this heart here!” - it all didn’t matter. He had no heart. And everybody eventually leaving him proved him right. Him not being able to be loved and trusted proved him right. There was nothing he could do to change who he truly was. A monster. And _h_ _e_ deserved to die. Not James. Not Lily. Harry didn’t deserve to experience that.

Harry. Remus came closer to the crying baby and noticed a fresh scar, spreading all across his forehead, leaving a mark partly on his eyelid as well, and ending on his tiny, chubby cheek. Without thinking, Remus touched his own scars and closed his eyes. Only a monster should be marked like that, not some innocent baby. Not James’s baby.

_Fuck. What the fuck was this hell.  
_

If Remus had thought that life is unfair before, he obviously had never imagined situation like this. Now he could. And he hated it.

He didn’t know what to do with Harry. He picked him up, unsure of what should he do next.

“Um,” he started, congratulating himself for being so damn eloquent.

_Well done, Remus. Babysitter of the year._

“What do you want, Harry?” he realised how stupid his question sounded, but he asked anyway.

Him and Harry had never been left alone before. He’d never had to take care of any baby, and never thought why should he even learn how to do it. It’s not like he was going to have any baby in the future. He was sure of that.

Remus sighed heavily and closed his eyes. Harry grabbed Remus’s shirt and cried louder, visibly unhappy with their poor communication skills.

“Okay, we’ll go to the kitchen, okay?” Remus whispered, and Harry stopped crying at that.

The young man smiled from ear to ear. _How nice it was to smile again,_ he thought. He really missed that.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

The sudden voice in the room almost made Remus jump. He turned around, holding Harry close to his chest, and saw that Sirius was starring at him. He was raising an eyebrow and looked like a mess.

“Good morning to you too, Sirius,” Remus scoffed, suddenly sounding and feeling angry.

He knew it was not entirely true, but the thought of it all being Sirius’s fault appeared in his mind for a short second. He got rid of that as soon as he realised what his mind was trying to do, though. They couldn’t fight with each other – they had to stick together, in order to protect Harry. Hadn’t they lost enough? Losing Harry was not an option.

Sirius, usually first to pick up on things like that, didn’t react to Remus’s tone. It was unusual for him to not start a row, but the whole situation was unusual, and they both knew it. He sat down on the floor and then stood up, slowly and unsteadily. He looked pale, not as much as the day before, but pale enough to be considered weak. His dark circles didn’t help with his image at all.

Remus wanted to hug him.

“I’m trying to calm him down, and maybe give him something to eat,” Remus explained, his voice softer this time.

Sirius frowned and pointed at the table with two empty bottles of whiskey and a half-full one.

“Do you even have anything to offer him, apart from a very needful rehab program membership?”

Remus frowned at him, and all the kind thoughts vanished.

“That was low, Sirius, even for you.”

“Well, I don’t care. Do you have anything a baby can eat or not?” Sirius came closer, reaching out for Harry.

Remus’s hold tightened, and he took a step back. Sirius stomped his foot like an annoyed child.

“What, I can’t hold him now?” he asked through his teeth nervously.

“You can,” Remus rolled his eyes, equally annoyed and very much tired. “But I need you to look me in the eye first and tell me they can’t find us here now.”

Sirius focused for a moment, as if he was considering all the options, but then nodded.

“We’re safe for now. Nobody in the Order knows about your flat, only me and…” he stopped for a second, trying to compose himself. “Only me and James knew. And we didn’t get a chance to tell Peter, remember? Or have you told him?”

Remus shook his head.

“Good,” Sirius continued. “I got rid of my motorcycle last night, so they can’t locate me by finding it.”

Somehow the thought of Sirius getting rid of something as personal and precious as his motorcycle was weird to imagine. But they had other things to worry about. In any other situation him doing that would be quite impressive. Now, that was more than understandable and no surprising at all.

“So we’re good for now. We can stay here at least for today,” Sirius added, looking around the room.

“Yes, for now, yes. I’ll contact Dumbledore later and then we’ll decide what to do.”

“Can I hold my godson now?” Sirius sounded as if he was the only person who was allowed to hold Harry.

And maybe he was.

“Be careful, support his head,” Remus reeled the sentence off, not realising what he just did.

They both looked at each other and froze.

_Lily used to say that._

Remus cleared his throat and left Sirius with Harry in his arms. He headed to the kitchen and searched for anything he could feed a baby with, but he sadly admitted to himself that there was nothing good enough. Some day-old bread, addled eggs and bad ham.

 _Damn,_ he thought. Remus really should get his life together.

He came back to the room and grabbed his coat from a chair.

“And where are you going?” Sirius was rocking Harry gently, in attempt to stop him from crying.

“To the shop. I’ve got nothing but alcohol and a rehab offer that I can give him, as you kindly noticed,” and with that snarky remark, Remus left the flat.

  
  


***

Sirius hugged Harry closer and kissed his tiny head. Remus’s place was small and quite disorganised, full of different papers and documents, which proved information on all the places and people from the missions Remus was participating in. There was a table with a few unwashed plates, a pile of documents and some whiskey. A big armchair that Harry slept on was right next to it, and two wooden chairs, with one of them serving as a wardrobe. Sirius smiled against his will at that, the memories of living with Remus came back to him. The only other thing left in the room was an old couch, just next to the small door leading to a tiny kitchen. A bathroom. There was a small, orange carpet and dark curtains with ugly flowers on them, which – Sirius could bet – were not chosen by Remus. He guessed that Remus didn’t care about them at all and just didn’t pay attention to it. And that’s it. That’s the whole flat. No pictures, no personality. No one could tell who was living there.

Out of all of his friends, him and Lily were the people that really paid attention to detail and interior design. That’s why it was Lily that helped Sirius with completing his and Remus’s flat, and that’s why it was Sirius who helped Lily with the wedding dress and decoration.

Lily.

And James. His brother James.

Harry sighed, as if he could sense Sirius’s thoughts. The ache he felt, the anguish – he would not be able to describe it to anyone. And he didn’t wish this fate on anybody. To know such feelings, to be in his state… that was soul-sucking. He closed his eyes and used all his power not to cry. Not in front of Harry. The poor little baby had seen too much already. The night events emerged in front of him and sent shivers up and down his spine. And Peter… that traitor, that ugly, _fucking_ traitor, that wart, scum, maggot, that unworthy fucker… Sirius wanted to kill him, and he would did that if he were given a chance. If only were given a chance, he would smash Peter’s head and cut off his limbs. Kill him without magic, kill him like a rat he was. Leave him to decay somewhere, to rot, to decompose. He had never hated anybody as much as he hated Peter now.

Or maybe Peter didn’t deserve death. Maybe he deserved something worse. The vision of Azkaban appeared in Sirius’s mind, and that thought was tempting. It really was. He should focus on catching him, and every other death eater, and put them in Azkaban. Leave him to dementors, for what he did.

Peter, essentially, killed James and Lily. By giving away the information, he killed the most loving, wonderful people on Earth. Sirius believed that it was possible to kill _love_ itself, if his best friends were not alive any more. And it was Peter’s…

It was Sirius’s fault.

“Oh God...” Sirius sat down on the armchair, holding Harry close.

It was all _his_ fault. He could try and tell himself all he want that it was Peter’s fault, but who’s idea it was, really? To do something as stupid, as reckless, as risky? He should have known better. He should have never done that. And in the end _he_ was the one who brought down death on them.

He was wrong when he thought that he had never hated anyone more than he hated Peter.

Sirius hated himself more.

And all those promises, all those words of “you have my guarantee that nothing will ever happen to you, Prongs”, all those “I will protect you, brother” were worth nothing. He, Sirius Black, was a liar. And he deserved Azkaban as much as all the death eaters of this godforsaken world. _Look at yourself, Sirius,_ he thought. He spent his life trying to cheat destiny. He went to Gryffindor, he left his own family. He decided it was better to be alone, because he thought he could only trust himself in these trying times. He left his l ife , _Remus_ , he did it all, all of it – and for nothing. It gave him nothing, and took everything.

How was he supposed to live with that?

And there was Remus. Sirius didn’t know why he reacted like that during their morning conversation. He was angry at himself, at the world, he was in deep sorrow, but so was Remus, and he didn’t deserve to be treated like that by Sirius. It was easy to notice that the night reaped a bitter harvest on Remus as well, and that Sirius was not the only one suffering. But somehow he couldn’t react differently; he had come over as somebody utterly bitter and mean. _How very Black of him._ He tried to explain to himself that he did that only to stop himself from crying again. If he had shown his softer side to Remus, he would have fallen apart. That’s for sure.

And now there was no time for that. Now they had to hatch a plan and keep Harry safe. God knew if Voldemort was still alive and who was after them. He guessed that the whole army was getting ready to catch them and finish the job.

He shouldn’t have said all those things to Remus, he shouldn’t have mocked him about that whiskey. He was no saint himself, after all. And he had no right to say that. Judging by the amount of dirty plates, and knowing Remus as well as he did, it was possible that he had been drinking these three bottles for weeks. And that meant that his remark about rehab was unnecessary.

Who would have thought that they wouldn’t be together in a moment like this? He had always imagined that him and Remus would always remain together and help each other out. That they would hug and kiss and talk about things. Go through life together. But in the moment of their deepest pain, they spent the night laying on the floor, four feet apart from each other. _How fucked up was that?_

The door opened and Remus walked inside the flat. Without a word, he glanced at Sirius and went to the kitchen. A few seconds later, he started making tea and unpacking food.

Sirius sighed heavily and stood up from the armchair with Harry, who began crying louder.

“Remus, um, listen,” he mumbled, not exactly looking at Remus. “What I said earlier, about the thing, I mean, the rehab thing, I didn’t mean, you know, any harm.”

Remus was cutting bananas that he wanted to add to strawberry yoghurt for Harry.

“Yes you did,” he shrugged, not looking at the young man standing in his kitchen door. “But I don’t care. We need to feed Harry now.”

Sirius decided it was better to drop the topic, and so he turned on his heel and walked to the table. He sat down on a chair, moving objects from the table with his hand, and positioned a very crying Harry on his lap.

“One moment, Prongslet, and you will get something to eat, okay?” he tried to distract his attention, but up the spout.

Thankfully, Remus came to the rescue, holding a bowl of yoghurt in his hand.

“Okay, let’s try this,” Remus said, as he knelt in front of Sirius and put a spoon into the yoghurt to scoop some food.

Harry was not happy with the situation, as he began to cry louder, his face all red and wet.

“Hold him still,” Remus ordered, trying to put the spoon into the baby’s mouth.

“It doesn’t work like that,” Sirius said, but he didn’t sound too sure. He had no idea what to do either. “I’m sure it’s not how they fed him.”

“And how the _fuck_ would you like me to feed him, then?” Remus cursed, visibly getting tired of Harry’s loud crying and last night emotions.

Sirius bit his tongue and didn’t comment on Remus’s choice of words, instead focusing on Harry.

“Maybe you should pretend to eat it first to show him that it’s okay,” he suggested, looking at Remus.

That actually seemed like a good idea. Remus gave it a try and tasted the yoghurt, but it resulted in Harry weeping and screaming even more. He was throwing a tantrum, kicking Sirius and trying to attack the bowl as well.

“Jesus, do something!” Remus leaned back to avoid getting kicked in the eye.

“Like what?!” Sirius tried to hold Harry closer and gently cover his mouth.

“TRY BOUNCING YOUR LEG.”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN?”

“HOLD HARRY ON YOUR KNEE AND DO IT.”

“WHAT?!”

“BOUNCE HARRY ON YOUR FUCKING KNEE, BLACK.”

Sirius did as he was told and suddenly Harry stopped crying. Surprised at this abrupt change of movement, he blinked and then cooed, raising his hands. Sirius was holding him tight so Harry couldn't fell off.

Both of them sighed in relief, and Remus sat on the floor.

“Okay, now keep doing that,” Remus said, as he positioned himself on his knees again.

It worked.

“Maybe try to stop for a moment?” he risked and observed Harry’s reaction.

Sirius obeyed. Nothing bad happened. Harry looked a bit confused, but that was all.

“Do it,” Sirius encouraged Remus.

He raised a hand with the spoon full of yoghurt and presented it to the baby. Harry opened his mouth, accepting the food willingly, and then focused on chewing.

“Yes! Who’s a good boy?” Sirius smiled, removing the rest of the yoghurt from Harry’s chin with his thumb.

“He’s not a dog, you know,” Remus snarled.

“He’s my godson, maybe one day he will be like me.”

“I hope he won’t.”

Sirius smirked. Remus looked different than when they woke up. He looked even more tired, and Sirius couldn’t help but to wonder if he had been crying on his way to the shop. His amber eyes looked almost grey and a little bit red; they didn’t look like that earlier.

“You’ve cut your hair,” Sirius noticed, not knowing why would he state something so obvious.

But Remus looked at him and his eyes went soft.

“Yeah.”

“Cool,” that’s all Sirius managed to say before he looked down.

As Remus kept feeding Harry in silence, Sirius was peeking at Remus. He didn’t change that much, since their break up. He wore a big sweater as always, and he was still pretty much the most handsome guy Sirius had ever seen. His honey hair was falling on his forehead, _typical_ _for Remus_ _,_ but it was shorter at the back. A bit uneven too, Sirius thought, and then he remembered how bad Remus was at cutting his own hair, but always insisted on doing so. He hated hairdressers and when other people – who were not Sirius – touched his hair.

But now things were different, and Sirius was probably not allowed to touch Remus any more.

 _Not_ that he wanted to. He definitely _didn't_. Maybe a little bit, though... That was not important, anyway. And so he kept saying that to himself.

“Okay, done,” Remus stood up, licking the spoon and going to the kitchen.

Harry looked more content than before, and he looked at Sirius with happy eyes. Then his face changed, as his tiny brows frowned. He didn’t look as joyful as one second before.

“Um, Remus?”

Sirius had a bad feeling about this.

“What?” the voice came from the kitchen, as Remus was trying to prepare something to eat.

“He looks a bit, um, unsure.”

“What do you mean?”

Sirius stood up from the chair and then he could smell it.

“Uh-oh.”

“What do you mean _uh-oh,_ Sirius,” Remus came back from the kitchen and saw Sirius holding Harry with his arms stretched out, to keep a distance from the baby. “Uh-oh,” he said when he smelled the same thing. “Oh, Jesus,” he moaned, hiding his face in his hands. “I think we need to change him.”

It was going to be a difficult morning.


	3. Despite it all.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For a moment everything stopped and it was only the two of them, starring at each other’s lips and into each other’s eyes, feeling like two magnets, ready to connect again. All Sirius could think about was the softness of Remus’s lips and the warmth of his strong, loving embrace. Without a doubt, Remus was the most uncanny, lovely, _mesmerizing_ person Sirius had ever seen.

Dumbledore came to Remus’s flat later the same evening. Alastor Moody arrived as well, and as soon as he entered the room, he started checking the view from every window.

If Sirius had ever thought _he_ was paranoid, he wasn’t even close to being “Moody-paranoid”.

“Dear boys,” Dumbledore greeted them, nodding. “Please, accept my condolences on your loss. James and Lily were… truly remarkable.”

There was nothing to add, so they said nothing. Nobody in the room could argue with that statement, and the pain was still too vivid to talk about the Potters for more than a few seconds. Sirius felt his eyes filled with tears, so he blinked and cleared his throat.

He had so many things he wanted to say that it truly took all his willpower to remain relatively calm. _Relatively_ , because Sirius could still feel his hands trembling and his heart pounding. He was nervous for many reasons – he was afraid that they would fallaciously accuse him of betraying the Potters, as well as for unknowingly allowing a spy to become the secret keeper. It was painful enough to feel that _he_ was the reason they were killed – the idea that someone could think of him as the actual murderer of his brother and his wife was unbearable. He felt that hearing it being said at loud would completely break him. Sirius was barely holding it together anyway.

Even though he hadn’t expected Peter to be a traitor, how could he explain that to others who had already been suspecting “another Black” to turn our evil for _years_? He knew he had to carry the burden of his family name with him forever. He knew very well that people would always look at him as “the Black” for two different reasons. To his own family he was “the Black” who abandoned and betrayed them; to the rest of the world he was “the Black” who should never be trusted.

James and Lily confided in Sirius, and then believed him that Peter would be a better option to keep a secret. And for that, they paid the highest price.

He felt terribly wretched. On top of that, being next to Remus in the worst moment of his life, yet feeling like he was not worthy of Remus’s gaze – that made everything much, much worse.

Nothing made any sense.

“Could we offer you some tea? Coffee?” he forced himself to ask the visitors, already moving backward towards the kitchen.

“Or whiskey?” Moody lift up another half-full bottle from the windowsill and looking questioningly at the young men. “Or I guess you won’t share that with us, will ya? Anything you’d care to elaborate on?”

Sirius could swear he heard Remus snort with annoyance. If Moody did notice, he decided not to react.

“Tea would be perfect, thank you Sirius,” Dumbledore ignored Moody’s remark and looked at Remus.

The young man was holding Harry close to his chest and soothing him with gentle rocking. Sirius had to admit that it was a truly endearing image, which only made things more difficult for him. As if the whole situation wasn’t already the most complicated one, Remus had to look like the most huggable person in the world. _Damn Remus, damn his long legs and golden hair and warm eyes. Damn his protective instincts, making him way much more attractive than he had already been._

“How are you feeling, Remus?” Dumbledore asked.

“Harry’s doing fine,” Remus replied sharply.

The flat was very silent, with the only sounds coming from the kitchen. When Sirius was pouring water to the kettle, Moody sighed, impatient.

“Albus, we should hurry with the information.”

“What information?” Remus frowned, eyeing them suspiciously.

Dumbledore nodded and raised his hand, as if he wanted to communicate that they should wait for everybody to be in the same room. Harry yawned and seemed to be soon fast asleep in the warmth of Remus’s embrace. Sirius came back from the kitchen with the tea and placed four cups, joining Dumbledore by the table.

“We know Sirius is innocent,” Dumbledore started, taking a sip of hot tea. “And we have been exercising the utmost care to track Peter down. We know that Peter turned out to be a spy, there is no need of explaining this,” he added, making it clear to Remus, who was already opening his mouth to explain things. “It is really unfortunate he has escaped, but we are still working on the case. I believe the most important thing right now is keeping Harry alive,” the old man stated, focusing his gaze at Sirius. “Voldemort might be gone, but he still has many followers, and I am certain they will try to find a way of bringing him back.”

“How can you help us?” the young Black asked.

“As I said, Harry’s safety is our priority for now. We have been working-” Dumbledore wanted to elaborate, but was interrupted by Sirius.

“Well, work faster,” he said through his gritted teeth.

“We could use your help out there, Black,” Moody chimed in, still looking outside the window. “You and Lupin are good aurors, and since you’ve known Peter all your lives, you should be working on this case. Albus,” he looked over his shoulder. “You should reconsider this option.”

“I have already made up my mind, _Alastor_.”

“What’s this all about?” Remus sat down slowly, careful not to wake Harry up.

He looked wired, Sirius noticed, and very protective of the baby. It was fascinating to watch Remus like that. Sirius thought that if anything happened to him, he would choose and beg Remus to take care of Harry. No one else.

“Tell me, dear boys,” Dumbledore was observing them with a gentle smile. “How are the things between the two of you, currently?”

Remus looked as if someone had hit him in the face. Sirius choked on his tea.

 _What kind of a fucking question was that?_ When Sirius calmed down, it was Remus who spoke first.

“We are fine, as usual,” he said with a very cold tone.

Moody sniggered.

“Tell us the truth, Lupin, because everything relies on your answer,” he moved from the window and drank some of the tea.

“He said the things are fine,” Sirius eyed Moody dangerously, feeling his cheeks turn red. “We are _okay_.”

Dumbledore smiled and shook his head, before putting a reassuring hand on Sirius’s shoulder.

“We are not here to investigate your private life, Sirius. It hasn’t escaped our notice that you seem to be a bit distant from each other nowadays, and your ability to work together again and trust each other is the key to my next question.”

“And what question is this, _may I ask_?” Sirius sat upright so Dumbledore’s hand dropped from his shoulder.

Remus put a protective hand on Harry’s head, as if he was scared of them taking Harry way. Something happened to Sirius’s heart at the sight of it.

“We want you to raise Harry together,” Dumbledore said in a very simple manner, as if he just announced what the weather was going to be that day.

“ _What_?!” both Remus and Sirius gasped at the same time, waking Harry up.

The baby’s call filled the room.

“Take him, take him,” Remus gave Harry to Sirius, looking pale and nervous.

When Harry found himself in Sirius’s arms, Remus stood up and started panting.

“How do you expect _us_ to do it?” he exclaimed, looking at Dumbledore and then at Moody.

Sirius couldn’t wrap his hand around it. _Him and Remus? Raising Harry? Him raising Harry in general?_

He knew that he was Harry’s godfather, but the idea of _actually_ being responsible, fully, totally, every day, every minute, every hour, _for a baby?_ That seemed insane. Everything was happening so fast, _too fast,_ and... James’s death took place only yesterday – Sirius didn’t really have time to truly consider all the options. Being a godfather was one thing. Being a father substitute was the other. And then there was-

“Petunia, Lily’s sister,” Dumbledore said, as if he was reading Sirius’s mind. “She was the first choice, but-”

“But that’s impossible!” Sirius protested, holding Harry closer to his chest. “She can’t have him! She hated Lily and James and she hates Harry as well, she always destroyed everything when showed up to some the occasions and-”

“Sirius, we know, please, calm down,” Dumbledore took another sip of tea.

 _How could he be so calm,_ Sirius thought, feeling like he was going to faint any minute. _Oh yes!_ _Dumbledore_ _was not suddenly adopting a real human baby!_ _That’s why he was calm!_

“As she is the only living member of Lily’s family which has her sister's blood running through her, this ensures the protection of Harry,” Dumbledore continued and raised a finger when Sirius opened his mouth to protest again. “However, Harry does not need to live in the same building as Petunia. I know, personally, that Lily would never agree for her sister to take care of Harry. Both her and James wanted it to be you, Sirius. Petunia can live next door, and therefore still serve as the protective umbrella for Harry.”

Remus sat down on a chair, looking at Sirius with wary eyes.

“So, again I ask, how are the things between the both of you, boys?” the old man smiled warmly, ignoring Moody’s face who seemed to be saying _I told you they’re n_ _ot going to agree_ _._ “Because raising a child is not a job for only one person. Especially _such child,_ who will need constant protection of at least two very skilled wizards to take care of him. Knowing the both of you will only help him to deal with his loss, as he won’t be feeling left alone with some strangers.”

Sirius looked at Remus and it was the first time that day when Remus _truly_ looked him in the eye. There was something painfully familiar about them starring at each other, something that felt close and… distant at the same time. These eyes were old and new at once.

Remus’s amber eyes were full of concern that Sirius felt himself, but there was this amazing courage and confidence as well, so typical for Remus. No matter what was happening in their lives, Remus could always brace himself and face another unknown situation. It was admirable and Sirius had always been a little bit envy of the way Remus existed. No matter what pain, no matter what fear, no matter what shock – this amber gaze always stayed focused and strong.

If Sirius had to be frank with himself, Remus still remained the bravest and strongest person he knew, so Remus’s reaction didn’t surprise him at all.

Harry calmed down and grabbed Sirius’s silver necklace. The same necklace Remus gave him on his eighteenth birthday. Sirius was unable to tell if Remus noticed that he was still wearing the gift.

When they were younger, they could communicate without words. It was one of the aspects of their special connection and something that James used to be jealous of. After their break up, Sirius was wondering if they could still do it.

Remus nodded, looking more convinced than one second ago. Sirius felt the corner of his lips lift, and he nodded as well.

_They could. They could still do it._

“We will raise Harry,” Sirius said, without breaking the connection and still looking Remus straight in the eye.

“Great,” Dumbledore clapped his hands and stood up. “It is the best option, at least for now.”

Moody cleared his throat and caused everybody to look at him.

“I still believe it would be better to give Harry to Lily’s sister, and take Black and Lupin with us on the missions.”

“I know, Alastor, and I don’t agree with you,” Dumbledore came closer to Harry and took a look at his fresh scar. “I believe these boys are the best option for now. I agree that they are skilled and you could use their abilities in the Order, but I can’t think of anyone else who could take care of this little one better than them.”

Harry smiled with his eyes closed, still holding onto Sirius’s necklace.

“But, how is Petunia going to- what’s the plan, sir?” Remus asked.

“Petunia, her husband and their son are going to move into a new house in two days. Just next to your new house as well,” Dumbledore winked and grabbed the cup of tea to drink the rest of it.

“But we how much are we going to pay for it?” Sirius changed his position to hold Harry better.

“You’ve suffered enough, dear boys,” the old man headed to the door. “Let’s not focus on the money. Now, rest. I doubt you had a chance to sleep well this night,” he added wistfully.

When Moody and Dumbledore left, the place became quiet again.

“I bet you’re not going to miss this obscure flat,” Sirius tried to start a conversation, but was met with a cold gaze.

“Not everybody can afford a better place, Sirius,” he said, collecting the cups from the table and bringing them to the kitchen.

Sirius cursed under his breath and bit his lip. _Nice try, Black._ Then he noticed Harry’s opened eyes which were watching him carefully, and his mouth opening and closing, as if he was trying to repeat the bad word.

“Fuck,” Sirius repeated, and then cursed again at cursing. “Damn it. Do you think that children understand everything you’re saying? Can they like, repeat bad words at this age?” he looked at Remus who came back from the kitchen.

“I don’t know, and I think this is the least of our concerns now,” Remus sighed and picked up that half-full bottle of whiskey which Moody used to mock him with. “Like, do you even realise what we’ve brought upon us?”

Sirius blinked and came to sit on a sofa.

“That’s a baby, Sirius,” Remus stated the obvious, pouring himself a glass of whiskey. “When was the last time you raised a baby?”

He looked rather annoyed now, the warm gaze of his amber eyes from when Dumbledore was there seemed to be long gone.

“But you’ve agreed to this, Remus,” Sirius frowned, feeling confused.

“What other choice did we have? Leaving him to Petunia? I remember what she’s like.”

Remus agreed to raise Harry. He was alright with it just a few minutes ago, and now he was distant and cold and annoyed, taking a sip of whiskey and swallowing with a frown. _What has changed?_

“I am shocked you remember, it’s been a while since you showed up at any of the events,” Sirius blurted, feeling very unsure of the situation.

“Nice, _very_ _nice_ ,” Remus nodded sarcastically, leaning against the wall and exposing his neck. He looked at Sirius with heavy-lidded eyes. “Look at you. Classic Sirius! You are really going to reproach me like that, saying that it was _my_ choice to distance myself from the Potters, when it was _your_ choice to break up with me and then claim them as yours and make me not wanna come any more? Make me feel like I was not welcomed?” he took another sip of alcohol.

A laugh escaped Sirius’s mouth, but it sounded hostile.

“ _I_ made you not want to come?” Sirius opened his eyes wide and then snorted. “I forgot you can act like that.”

“Like _what_?”

There was something dangerous in a way Remus lowered his head and scowled at Sirius.

“You, this, either blaming everyone, or blaming everything on you being a werewolf, instead of acting like a man and staying strong and not giving up. I never stopped you from coming! It was your choice!”

But it wasn’t. And Sirius knew that.

He knew very well that he really _was_ making it difficult for Remus any time Remus came to James’s house. He knew that. This was not why he was saying all of that nonsense now.

He was saying these words because it was easier for him to do that than to admit it had been him, indeed, who had destroyed everything between them. It was Sirius who’d decided to stop trusting Remus, to become paranoid, to feel like he was better off alone, to think that he was the only one who could protect the Potters.

And in the end, he couldn’t. He couldn’t protect them.

It was Sirius who’d failed James, Lily, and Remus. It was him who still acted like an arsehole, telling Remus he should deal with Sirius’s crap.

As if he hadn’t caused enough of Remus’s suffering.

“My choice,” Remus repeated after him. “ _My choice_. Right. Everything has always been my choice, hasn’t it?”

“What do you mean?”

Remus made a face as if he was guessing something not important, and he gestured with a hand, now holding an empty glass.

“Oh you know, simple stuff, like me becoming a werewolf, me being a wizard. Me becoming friends with you, and me _being_ with you. Living with you. And breaking up with you,” he counted every thing so casually as if he was reading a shopping list. “All these things. Who would’ve remembered, anyway.”

The young Black eyed the other man, and added:

“Okay, maybe you being a werewolf and a wizard was out of your control, but the other-”

“No, Sirius. Don’t go there, don’t you dare.”

Remus came closer to him and Sirius couldn’t help but feel that Harry was the only boundary between him and Remus’s punch.

“Don’t you dare. _You_ came to me during the first year and sat with me every day in the library, asking me to be your friend and refusing to go away even though I asked you multiple times. _You_ kissed me and you fucked me and you begged me to live with you in London. And then _you_ fucking broke up with me because of what?!” his eyes were blazing and his voice was trembling.

There he was, in all his glory, ready to fight, with sad eyes full of regret.

“Remus-”

“Because of what?!”

They were both panting now, and Harry tried to hide his face from all the noises. Sirius sat Harry on the sofa and stood up.

“Calm d-”

“BECAUSE OF WHAT, SIRIUS?!”

It was impossible to avoid answering the question now. Sirius sighed and felt heartbroken and exhausted.

“Because being with you and knowing there _is_ a chance you are a spy would make everything impossible. Because being with you and still... having all those feelings for you… Remus, don’t you get it?” Sirius was choking on his own words. “Don’t you understand that if you were a spy and I was still with you I wouldn’t have a clear picture of what is real and what is not?”

Remus’s eyes had never looked so acrimoniously. He was hurt. His lips parted and trembled a little bit, as if he was going to start crying, but he composed himself and frowned. His words were quiet:

“We were real, Sirius. At least to me. I’m glad you’ve made that perfectly clear that I was the only one thinking that. Now I can finally move on. Oh wait, I can’t!” he added sarcastically, pointing at Harry. “But you know what? I will stay for him. For James and for Lily. Because _I_ would rather be stuck with a dickhead like you and waste my life with you for the sake of Harry’s protection than to abandon the both of you. See, I don’t abandon people.”

The room was so silent it was almost possible to hear their pounding hearts.

“You know what, Black,” Remus smiled sadly, looking down. His voice was tight with emotion. “I’ve agreed to this because I want the best thing for Harry too. You were not the only one who cared about this family, as much as you like to claim, and you’re _not_ the only one who cares about this child. I’ve agreed to this because I know I am a skilled wizard, and I know that you can be reckless and stupid. So yes. I will do it. If that’s what it takes for Harry to be safe, I’ll fucking do it. But don’t you _ever_ dare to think that there’s anything between us apart from our mutual love for Harry.”

They were looking at each other so intensely that they didn’t realise when they found themselves so close to each other. Remus’s gaze fell on Sirius’s lips, and when he moved a bit closer, Sirius could see every little scar on his ravishing face. The face he used to kiss and cherish.

For a moment everything stopped and it was only the two of them, starring at each other’s lips and into each other’s eyes, feeling like two magnets, ready to connect again. All Sirius could think about was the softness of Remus’s lips and the warmth of his strong, loving embrace. Without a doubt, Remus was the most uncanny, lovely, _mesmerizing_ person Sirius had ever seen.

_How much he missed it. How much he missed him.  
_

“Moony, I-” he said without thinking, and regretted it as soon as the nickname escaped his mouth.

_It was way too soon. What the fuck was he thinking?_

Remus blinked at that and took a quick step back, coming back to reality, with a very cold and distant expression back on his face. He was looking at Sirius as if he didn’t know him, as if Sirius _disgusted_ him.

Remus huffed, shaking his head, and then took Harry with him for an evening bath without saying any word.

Sirius was left alone and didn’t know what was worse.

Knowing that Remus hated him, or knowing that he, despite it all, still loved Remus.


	4. Willing to try.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so this chapter is a bit shorter, but the next one is going to be longer, I promise :) it's sweeter though! And the fluff is slowly, slowly making it's way into the fanfiction. That's what we deserve. Enjoy!
> 
> “Hey, Sirius,” Remus tiled his head and squinted. “What were you saying about… oh, right,” he said sarcastically. “Let’s not fight and let’s communicate? Huh?” he mocked Sirius’s accent.  
> “I don’t sound like that,” he whispered, annoyed, but couldn’t stop the corner of his mouth from lifting.  
> “I don’t sound like that,” Remus continued his parody, and it was his time to protect his ribs from Sirius’s gentle hit.

Remus wanted to punch Sirius.

As he was taking a shower, he thought about what happened just an hour ago. With the news, Dumbledore’s offer, the perspective of them raising Harry together… After Dumbledore had left, him and Sirius talked and during their conversation all the regret, pain and suffering escaped Remus’s mind and find its way out through his mouth.

And then he wanted to... kiss Sirius?

For a moment he could swear that Sirius wanted the same thing. But Remus knew better than this and was sure it was just his imagination. _Right?_ It was impossible that Sirius still wanted the same thing. _Right?_

He washed his face and felt soap sneaking into his eyes. He sighed, irritated. Everything was getting more and more complicated, and even taking a shower was not an easy task any more.

_Jesus. He didn’t sign up for this._

But here was the thing. The words he said to Sirius this evening – it was all real. Him finally admitting how he had been feeling for all these months; the confession about his life which seemed to be out of _his_ control, him being left alone with unanswered questions… Remus finally coming to terms with his new reality, and then just like _that_ it all went by the board – because Sirius’s grey eyes, long dark hair and soft lips were back in his life.

With Harry. Because James and Lily were-

_That was not happening._

As the warm water was running down his body, he remembered the moment when Sirius stopped trusting him for the first time. It had all started with the missions Dumbledore had been sending Remus to. Each and one of them required an absolute confidentiality, and as frustrating it was, Remus understood why he made that promise to Dumbledore. It was forbidden to talk about the missions, but Sirius had broken this promise many times before their break up.

And he wanted Remus to do the same.

“Just tell me where were you last weekend, Moony,” Sirius asked one night, _not_ cuddling him in bed.

This lack of touch was the first sign of them distancing from each other. But Remus just shook his head back then, and closed his eyes, and told Sirius to sleep. So he was not surprised when Sirius eventually stopped asking. When the questions stopped, the thoughts appeared. And there was no way of stopping Sirius from forming them. Looking at it now, Remus couldn’t really blame Sirius for it.

“I promise you, I’m still on our side, Padfoot,” he said one rainy morning, trying to touch Sirius’s hand.

But it felt cold, and weird, and out of place. They stopped touching at all from that day.

And then the Potters-

Remus couldn’t think about it. He couldn’t imagine what Sirius saw in their house, how he managed to take Harry with him, how he-

Remus stepped out of the bath and looked at himself in a small mirror. His wet hair was covering his forehead and his eyes looked big, probably from the lack of sleep and anxiety. He had to lean down to the mirror to see himself better, and as he was putting on his pyjama bottoms, then he remembered something more.

Not just the dark times of him being slowly but gradually left by Sirius – the only person which had sworn would never do that.

He remembered the good times. Remus closed his eyes, as he started rubbing his hair with a towel, and remembered James’s fifteen birthday. The weather was beautiful that day, and James was so happy to spend time with all of them that it seemed like he was going to explode with joy. His black hair was a complete mess, so typical for him, and Remus smiled at that memory. They were playing football that day, with Remus teaching them the rules and laughing at how confused James, Sirius and Peter-

Peter.

Remus clung to a sink so hard and painfully that his knuckles turned white. He groaned, throwing the towel on the floor, and hit the wall next to the mirror.

 _That rat_ , _how fucking ironic,_ he thought, and felt the angriest he had ever been in his life. He wanted to kill Peter. If only he had a chance… He remembered Lily's warm, green eyes, just a few days before her death. He remembered her tight hugs and kisses on Remus's cheek and her "it's going to be okay" sentences. He remembered how brave and strong James was too. How perfect they were. How both of them deserved to live.

“FUCK!” he screamed, punching the wall again.

He could hear footsteps and then Sirius’s voice coming from behind the door.

“Is everything okay?”

Remus didn’t need that now. He didn’t need any of it. He wanted-

“No,” he heard his own voice betraying him, and to his surprise, the words continued coming. “Nothing is okay.”

He hated how weak he sounded, but he was so, _so damn tired_ that he couldn’t pretend any more. Remus had been holding on for so long, and for the first time he allowed himself to be vulnerable like that. Right next to Sirius, out of all people. But he was the only person Remus got left.

_Great._

“Can I come in?”

It was unusual for Sirius to ask such questions, because normally he would just storm into any room he chose.

Not now, though. Suddenly, Remus felt safe, with this warm feeling of Sirius respecting Remus’s privacy. It was a small, but a nice gesture. It was enough for Remus's nerves to calm down.

“Yeah,” Remus said, feeling ashamed for even allowing this situation to happen, but somehow trusting Sirius in this.

When Sirius opened the door, he stopped midway, looking at Remus’s bare chest. Then he blinked slowly and gazed into Remus’s eyes. Remus was holding to his hurting fist close to his heart, massaging it with his other hand.

“Have you been hitting that poor wall?” Sirius smiled weakly, coming a bit closer.

A nod came from Remus, as he slowly sat on the bath and observed the young Black.

“Hey, um, listen,” Sirius cleared his throat, rubbing the back of his head. “I know we are not close any more, and I know you would prefer to keep yourself away from me, but we have to think about Harry. We- we don’t have to talk, but we have to communicate. I don’t want to keep fighting with you,” he squatted in front of Remus, looking up at him. “I want things to work between us again. We don’t have to be friends, just… let’s communicate. For Harry’s sake. Let’s work together, okay? I can't do it without you.”

Him talking softly and calmly, but securely, adjusted to the situation they found themselves in, and looking at Remus with his grey eyes – it seemed way too familiar and way too strange at the same time. It was something that Remus knew all too well but had thought he would never experience in his life again.

_It sucked._

But it could work.

“Okay,” Remus replied with a shrug, but smiled a little bit. “I don’t want to keep fighting either. Let’s do it for Harry. And hey, you are right. We will be able to protect him only if we work together.”

“Did Remus Lupin just said that _I_ am right?” Sirius raised an eyebrow.

“I guess. Nothing surprises me any more,” Remus shook his head and chuckled quietly.

He could swear he heard Sirius smile more than he saw it, and that reminded him that this was how Sirius worked – he was so loud and vivid with everything he ever did, always, _even_ with smiling, that it was impossible not to notice him doing it. Seeing Sirius smile felt like receiving a long lost medicine; it was like taking a breath after many dark moments underwater.

Sirius looked beautiful like that. He was jaded, _yes,_ and also sorrowful, but there he was, no matter what – ready to face another obstacle, and doing it all for James and Lily’s child.

He was beautiful, because he was real.

A smile reached Remus’s eyes, but then he stood up.

“You can shower now,” he said, looking at Sirius over his shoulder. “Tomorrow we’re going to move to that new house of ours.”

He left Sirius in the bathroom and came closer to the sofa which Sirius turned into a place to sleep by opening and extending it. Harry was already sleeping, holding one of Remus’s sweaters, now serving as a teddy bear. Remus smiled at that view and gently tried to place a soft hand on Harry’s head. He didn’t really know what he _exactly_ was he supposed to do, but he saw Lily doing this multiple times, so he stroke Harry’s hair and observed the scar. It was mesmerising to look at sleeping Harry, and there was something calming in this moment as well. The way his small belly was raising and falling, and how sweet his little breath sounded. Remus closed his eyes and sat down next to Harry, feeling scared and unsure, but at the same time very collected and _almost_ peaceful.

He thought about Sirius’s words. _Okay, that I can do. Just communicate and work with him. For the old time’s sake. For James and Lily. For Harry._

“Ready to sleep?” Sirius’s voice brought Remus back to reality.

Remus looked at him and noticed his wet hair, bare chest, a necklace Remus gave him, and… black jeans.

“Are you going to sleep in these?” Remus asked, whispering in order to not wake Harry up.

Sirius shrugged and placed his shirt on a chair.

“Well, I don’t have any pyjama with me, so-”

“Wait,” Remus stopped him and came to his wardrobe, searching for something.

In a few moments later he found something and handed Sirius a pair of his old, blue pyjama bottoms. Sirius nodded and smiled a “thank you”, and began to undress. A blush appeared on Remus’s face, so he turned around and looked at Harry, who was now smiling through his sleep. He was glad Sirius kept his typical comment about Remus’s blush to himself, and then he felt sad that Sirius decided to say nothing.

He missed it.

Their usual friendly and flirty banter seemed to be long forgotten, and the current situation didn’t help at all. It was all fucked up.

All of it.

“Okay,” Sirius whispered, coming closer to stand next to Remus.

Remus's pyjama bottoms were too long for Sirius legs. _At least that hadn't changed._

“I can sleep on the floor, and Harry should stay between you and the wall. That way he won’t fall down," Sirius decided.

Remus looked at Sirius with fear in his eyes.

“But what if I squeeze him to death? Or I kill him with my heavy limbs?”

“I would be a liar if I said that you don’t kick during your sleep, Lupin,” Sirius started, and tried to protect his ribs when Remus attempting to hit him there in revenge. “But Harry’s going to be okay. Don't worry. I've seen him sleep in the most weird places when it was just me and James taking care of him, and I remember seeing James falling asleep with his arms around Harry. He survived this. Damn. That boy can survive anything!”

It was almost funny, the way they talked right now. The way how natural it felt. Remus hesitated for a moment, but then placed his hands on the hips and stated:

“There’s room for both of us, and Harry can sleep between us.”

Sirius looked at Remus so fast that both of them heard his neck cracking.

“No- honestly, I can really sleep on the floor,” he began, but Remus stopped him with his raised hand.

“Come on, you are _not_ going to sleep on the floor.”

“I think it’s going to be a better idea if I-”

“Hey, Sirius,” Remus tiled his head and squinted, pretending to remember something. “What were you saying about… oh, _right,_ ” he said sarcastically. “ _Let’s not fight and let’s communicate?_ Huh?” he mocked Sirius’s accent.

“I don’t sound like that,” he whispered, annoyed, but couldn’t stop the corner of his mouth from lifting.

They were joking. _Joking_. After God knew how many months. Remus couldn't let that stop easily. He _craved_ for this moment to last.

“ _I don’t sound like that,_ ” Remus continued his parody, and it was his time to protect the ribs from Sirius’s gentle hit.

“Okay,” Sirius sighed finally, and crawled into the sofa.

He was between the wall and Harry now, looking at Remus who switched off the light. When Remus joined Sirius and Harry, it was the weirdest feeling ever.

Not only he was in one bed with Sirius again, but there was an actual and living baby between them. A baby _they_ were supposed to take care of from now on.

“What are we doing, Remus,” Sirius whispered, and he didn’t sound as confident as he did in the bathroom.

“I have no idea,” he admitted, and stared at the ceiling.

His eyed adjusted to the darkness very fast, typically for werewolves, and he was able to see Sirius almost immediately. The funny moment they shared just a minute ago disappeared, and their doubts emerged,

“It’s going to be hard,” Sirius sighed, rubbing his eyes.

“Yes.”

“And we’re going to screw up from time to time.”

“Most likely.”

They listened to the silence and Harry’s soft breaths.

“But,” Remus started and saw that Sirius looked at him in the darkness. “We’re going to stick together. Okay? As you said. Communicate. We won’t let him down. We might not be able to pick the best gruel for him, but we will protect him.”

“Who the fuck eats gruel,” Sirius laughed quietly.

“Babies, Sirius. Babies do that.”

“Not this baby, he won’t!” he protested and tucked a blanket under Harry’s chin.

“He will!” Remus whispered more loudly than he intended to. “And stop fucking cursing around Ha-” he didn’t finish because he realised what he just said himself.

“Oh look at you, such a hypocrite!” Sirius rolled onto his side to face Remus.

The warm moment between them was back and it felt like the first sunray after a long winter.

“Lower your voice, genius," Remus chuckled.

“ _You_ lower your voice!”

“Sirius, we are supposed to _communicate,_ remember?” Remus huffed, trying to contain his laugh.

This whole scene was ridiculous. His life was ridiculous.

Sirius smiled and kept looking at Remus unashamedly, probably not remembering that Remus was able to see him almost perfectly in the dark room.

“Well, good night then, Remus,” he said, but didn’t close his eyes.

Harry made a sound and took a deep breath, falling into a deeper sleep.

“Good night, Sirius.”

They kept looking at each other, and by the way Sirius’s gaze focused, Remus was sure Sirius was able to see him better now.

When they were younger, Sirius found Remus's ability fascinationg. In fact, Sirius was the first person who thought of Remus's skills as "cool" and said that at loud. He managed to make Remus feel less of a freak and a monster. But that was then.

“Good night,” Sirius repeated, creating even more tension than it already was in the room.

_Typical Sirius. God damn him._

Then the feeling of being left by Sirius came back to Remus. Their break up, the lack of trust, their harmful words… How was he supposed to get over it? All these bad memories?

Was he getting over it now? He didn’t know for sure. Not yet.

But he was willing to give it a chance, so maybe one day they could be best friends again.

Harry was their most important thing right now.

Yes.

He was willing to try.

As he was falling asleep, he tried to ignore the fact that Sirius was still wearing the necklace.

It was probably nothing.


	5. How we were.

“Bowls and plates?” Remus was checking the list.

“Here.”

“Cutlery?”

“Here,” Sirius looked inside the box where they had packed all the things earlier.

“Sweaters?”

“Got them.”

“Harry?”

“What?” Sirius looked confused.

Remus’s eyes widened.

They both started looking around right away. Sirius decided to check under the table.

“Oh God, where is he?” Remus joined Sirius down on the floor, looking extremely worried.

“Ba!” Harry’s soft sound was followed by a gentle laugh, when he stuck his head from the kitchen.

Sirius found himself next to Harry within one second and picked him up immediately.

“I swear, he was right by my side when I was checking the boxes,” he started explaining, as if expecting Remus to scold him and already trying to defend himself.

Remus tried to get up from under the table and when he did, he bumped his head. Harry and Sirius let out a small chuckle.

“Not funny,” Remus rubbed his head, but smiled against his own will.

_It was a bit funny._

“You know, Harry,” Sirius said to the baby, holding him close to his chest. “When uncle Remus was fourteen, he suddenly grew and become be very, _very_ tall. And he used to bump his head on everything all the time. Every door was too short!”

“Yeah, _hilarious_ ,” Remus pretended to be offended, massaging his head.

“Hilarious indeed,” Sirius continued, smiling from ear to ear and carrying Harry on the left side of his body.

He gestured at himself and then at Remus with his free hand, showing the height difference to Harry, who enjoyed the sound of Sirius’s voice and attention he was getting from both men.

Remus liked that he was taller than Sirius, and he liked how it worked for both of them when they were together.

He hated himself for remembering that fact.

“But it was kinda useful too, you know, Harry?” Sirius gently poked Harry on the nose. “Remus can come in handy, believe me. He can shield you from the sun, and provide you with shadow and stuff. And he can do the same when it's windy, you know? He works like a nice barrier.”

“Talking from experience, are we?” Remus came closer and took Harry into his own arms, smiling at Sirius provocatively.

“Of course,” he grinned.

They both knew very well how they used to enjoy Remus’s height and strength. It just wasn’t the same any more, and they were not allowed to talk about it.

“Don’t listen to your godfather, Harry,” Remus made a funny face at Harry, making him laugh. “I’m the one who constantly hits his head, but I believe it’s Padfoot who talks nonsense.”

They froze.

Then looked at each other.

_Padfoot._

Remus cleared his throat and pretended not to notice his own words, as he came to the table and picked up the list. He could feel his cheeks becoming red, but Sirius was kind enough to drop the topic and not bother him with the usage of his nickname. Remus tried to ignore the sight of Sirius’s red cheeks as well, and thought to himself that it was probably coming from annoyance.

It _had_ to be annoyance.

Right?

If only he had looked closer, he would have seen Sirius’s expression, full of the same emotions Remus felt himself.

They both missed each other as hell.

They were just too stubborn to admit it.

***

Sirius looked really pretty that morning, with his dark circles and black hair. He looked pretty in his leather jacket and his bovver boots, and in that _damn_ necklace he was still wearing. It was highly probable it meant nothing to Sirius, though, and so it was something Remus was trying to tell himself. It probably just complemented his outfit. _No reason to_ _think_ _about_ _this_ _detail_ _, Lupin._

They were standing in front of Remus’s small volkswagen, and the idea of driving to their new home in _th_ _at_ seemed like the greatest indignity to Sirius.

“I can’t believe we can’t just apparate there.”

“Because,” Remus was trying to jam yet another briefcase inside the car which was already full of things. “This way we won’t draw too much attention. Even death eaters won’t think of some car passengers as a threat. They won’t even look at us in that car, to be honest, they are not shrewd enough. They expect us to use magic all the time, especially for travelling.”

“Well, I don’t think you have to be a death eater to avoid looking at this nightmare on four wheels,” Sirius made a face.

“Hey, watch it,” Remus pointed at him. “Violetta is a great car and a very good companion.”

“Violetta? You’ve named your car _Violetta_?”

“As I was saying,” Remus ignored the question and picked up the last luggage from the ground. “One of the coolest things of being a half-blood is knowing how to use muggle technology, or transport, for that matter. These pure-blood fascist can’t get that figured out.”

Sirius nodded and helped Remus with the luggage, pushing it further inside the car. When they were done, Remus ran a hand through his honey hair.

“Okay, now, Moody gave me _this_ today morning,” Remus showed Sirius two bottles of some elixir. “Polyjuice potion,” he explained, seeing Sirius’s confused look.

“And who are we going to turn into?”

“He didn’t say.”

“No?”

“No.”

“Great,” Sirius sighed, but drank everything there was to drink.

Remus did the same and felt his body changing, shrinking and growing in some places.

_Yup. He definitely had breasts now._

Sirius became a woman too; his hair was almost white and eyes brown. It was weird seeing him with different eyes, although the woman standing in front of Remus was very good looking. He wasn’t much shorter than usual, and so his clothes fit almost perfectly.

“So?” Sirius gestured at himself. “How do I look?”

“Not too bad,” Remus replied, looking at how his jacket looked rather like a long coat for the woman he was now. He was much shorter as her. “Although I do prefer your own face.”

Sirius smiled proudly, running a hand through his long, white hair.

“I was hoping you would say that,” he grinned.

“Oh no, don’t get me wrong,” Remus teased, coming to sit in the driver’s seat. “I prefer your original face, so I can remind myself that my _own_ face is not that bad looking.”

Sirius’s jaw dropped.

“What do you mean?” he pouted, looking insecure and incredibly hilarious.

“You know, you with your big nose, from poking it into everybody’s business, and for lying all the time, Pinocchio,” he joked, checking on Harry in the back seat.

“Who the hell is Pinocchio and why are you offending me like that!” Sirius cried out, touching his nose, forgetting that it looked different now.

“God, we _need_ to watch some Disney movies with Harry, so he doesn’t grow up to be such an uncultured swine like you,” Remus chuckled, starting the car.

“What’s _Disney_?”

***

Sirius liked the fact that Remus could drive a _car_. He even liked that he named it Violetta, and liked that Remus knew who Disney was, and that he understood football, which he claimed was even more interesting than quidditch. He liked how Remus understood all the weird muggle machines with buttons and that he always called his mother on a _telephone._ It was funny to hear somebody’s voice over this tiny, tricky machine, but Remus used to say it was either thoughtful, or romantic to do that. So for Remus’s seventeenth birthday, Sirius went to the nearest phone box he could find and called him. He remembered how shocked Remus was when he picked up the phone at his family house and heard Sirius’s confused voice; how cute Remus’s laugh sounded; how warm it was to think that he, _Sirius_ , made Remus feel this way. A younger Sirius would think of that act as of something cheap, or soppy, but a seventeen years old Sirius didn’t feel this way. He didn’t feel this way at all.

He enjoyed it.

The thought of giving someone gifts had always seemed weird to him, but then Remus appeared in his life, and giving him things was not stupid. It felt _right,_ and it was followed by the most genuine, bright smile Sirius had ever seen in his life. James was always happy with the gifts he would get from his friends as well, but he was very quick to forget about them and put them in random places, not paying attention to them for longer than a day. James’s attention span was just like that.

Remus, on the other hand, would always treat Sirius’s gifts with the utmost care, putting them somewhere where everyone could see, and he would always say that they were from Sirius. He would explain to anyone who asked why this gift was important to him, and why Sirius, _again,_ picked the best thing for Remus.

It was no surprise why Sirius was really good at buying presents for him – he truly loved listening to the “chatter”, which was how Remus called his own monologues about the things he was passionate about. Sirius just allowed himself to dive into the world of Remus Lupin.

And that world was the most fascinating thing he had ever experienced.

Remus looked at the world like no one else would. He noticed the smallest details about people and nature and things around him. He was the first to connect all the dots; he was the one who paid attention to the most surreal aspects of music, art, and science. Anything he touched, he turned into gold. Sirius had always thought about his own skills as boring. Growing up in the Black family, he was forced to “enjoy” art, languages and science so much that he hated it to bits. Then Remus showed him everything from a totally different perspective, being unabashedly fascinated by Sirius’s French, the origin of his name, the stars, constellations, Sirius’s ability to play the piano, his taste in music and how well he played quidditch. And Remus would say that at loud. For the first time in Sirius’s life, someone was genuinely expressing interest in his life and passions and made them ten thousands more amazing and worth doing. Of course, having James was one of the best feelings ever, and Sirius had never thought he could have such a great friend. A brother, really.

It was just... Remus was just someone totally different, from the very beginning. While James was the first person to say to Sirius: “tell me what you _think_ ”, Remus was the first person to whisper: “tell me how you _feel_ ”.

And, of course, they were not the best at expressing their feelings. But they tried. The feeling of being able to ramble and babble and try to make sense out of it - it was comforting enough. And they were really heading into the right direction with their attempts.

Sirius just wished they’d had more time.

Now, sitting next to Remus, with Harry in the back and in the car full of luggage and trunks and different things – it was the most surreal thing to _be_ there. It was also the moment which finally made him breathe deeper and feel calmer, as bizarre as it was.

Two hours passed quickly.

“Here we are,” Remus said suddenly, stopping Sirius’s train of thought.

There they were indeed, parking in front of a small house made out of brick. It was right next to the other house, and Sirius quickly assumed it belonged to the Dursleys. He didn’t need to wait for too long to check if he was right in his supposition, because Petunia came out of her house as soon as Remus stopped the car.

She stopped walking and stood there with her hands on her hips, tilting her head to the right and looking as angry and disgusted as always.

“Don’t murder her right away,” Remus looked at Sirius, as if he could read his mind. “Wait for the nightfall.”

That really made Sirius laugh, and he remembered how funny Remus could be, with his snarky and accurate remarks. That made him even more fascinating as a being. The polyjuice effect was gone now and they looked like their old selves again.

He was glad to see Remus’s real face.

Remus smiled at the fact that Sirius laughed, and for a moment their eyes met, leaving them breathless.

“Okay, um,” Sirius cleared his throat, as he tried to get up, but was stopped by the seatbelt.

He found himself confused, completely forgetting about _that muggle thing_ keeping him safe in the car, and struggled to find a way out of this situation.

“There, let me help you,” Remus’s hands were dangerously close to Sirius hips and waist, trying to unlock Sirius from the _trap_.

Sirius was outside of the car in the second, not being able to stay inside any longer. He rubbed his neck as he looked at his reflection in the car window.

He looked like a mess, and he wished to be that woman again, so Remus wouldn’t have to deal with his crazy hair and dark circles. He sighed and abandoned the idea of trying to fix his hair right there and now, and he opened the door to take Harry out of the car.

Petunia finally reached the car.

“I’ve heard what that... magic man, _Dumblenor_ , or whoever he was, said about you living here close to me,” Petunia said, coming even closer. “And I have to inform you, we do _not_ need any funny business around here.”

“And good afternoon to you too, Petunia,” Remus started ironically, mimicking her and placing his hands on his hips as well. It was hilarious to watch him like that. “No need to worry. We’ll just stick to our magic card tricks and make sure you and your painfully traditional, non-toxic-at-all and exemplary little family will not be associated with us, _degenerates_.”

Sirius snorted in awe. Remus was truly something else.

Petunia, however, did not find the whole situation funny or acceptable, as she turned around and marched into her house, not even bothering to check on Harry.

As if Sirius would let her do it, anyway.

She slammed the door and left them there, standing in the pavement.

“Okay, time to unpack then?” Sirius said, already reaching out for his wand, but was stopped by Remus’s raised finger.

“Not here, dummy,” he chuckled, and it was _so_ soft, so familiar and warm that Sirius was ready to melt here and there.

Being around Remus, who was looking all gorgeous and acting like the _old_ Remus, was going to be much, much harder than Sirius had initially thought.

_Great. I’m fucked._

They physically carried their luggage and the rest of the things to the house. Inside, there was a surprisingly nice looking living room, a kitchen, a small garden with a fence high enough not to see the Dursleys, three bedrooms and a small bathroom. It was more than enough.

When they were done carrying the things, Remus nodded at Sirius, silently allowing him to use his wand, now that they were inside and alone.

The unpacking was much easier this way, and to Harry’s enjoyment, highly entertaining. He clapped and laughed, but then grabbed one of the flying boxes and was lifted from the ground. He got scared right away and let go, landing on his bum.

There was silence followed by the baby’s crying.

Remus was the first to reach Harry, looking at him with terror and checking for any possible injuries.

“Oh God, we have to pay more attention to where he is and what’s he’s doing,” he sighed, trying to soothe the unharmed baby. “We are lucky it was not too high for him and that he let go so quickly.”

He hugged Harry close to his chest and kissed his little head, but that didn’t stop the crying. Remus looked at Sirius with terrified eyes, so Sirius got an idea.

“Hey, _Haaaarry_ ,” he made sure that Harry could see him. The crying stopped for a moment, and Harry’s eyes widened. “Look at me!” Sirius started to walk around the room, trying to make himself as funny as possible.

“What is he doing, huh?” Remus pointed at Sirius, doing his best to sound curious, making Harry even more interested.

“Look! I don’t see where I’m going!” Sirius pretended to focus at something above a table, and then he walked into the wall on purpose, hitting his head lightly and falling on the ground.

A soft chuckle came from Harry’s mouth.

“It works, do it again,” Remus encouraged Sirius, and so Sirius tried to stand up, but when he was almost there, he fell down again, way too dramatically.

Harry laughed this time, clapping his hands.

“Was the second time really necessary, though?” Sirius grinned, but his voice sounded like he was in actual pain. “He’d stopped crying before I fell again.”

“I know,” Remus said, making his way to the kitchen with Harry in his arms, looking at Sirius who was still lying on the ground. “But seeing you doing silly things never gets boring,” he winked.

It was good Sirius wasn’t standing, because he would fall again.

***

“Okay, calm down, Harry,” Sirius tried, grabbing Harry’s small wrists and trying to stop him from splashing water all over the bedroom from a bath.

“Pa-foo!” Harry grinned, attacking already wet Sirius with even more water.

Sirius sighed and took his t-shirt off, figuring there was no sense to wear it if it meant to experience this uncomfortable feeling of a wet fabric veing stuck to the skin.

“Need a hand?” Remus offered, walking inside the bathroom.

“Oh, _please,_ ” Sirius looked at Remus with puppy eyes, and it would be funny to Remus, if it wasn’t actually adorable.

“Hey Harry!” the young man started, showing Harry a candy. “You can have it, but first you need to stay still. Okay? So we can wrap you in this nice little towel and bring you to your bed, okay?”

Harry nodded and Sirius laughed, curious how much of the sentence the baby actually understood, and how much he just wanted to get the candy. It went very smooth and easy anyway, them finishing Harry’s evening bathroom routine.

“See?” Remus picked Harry up when they were finished with the pyjama part. “It’s all about making promises and keeping them if he behaves like a good boy.”

“It sounds as if you are describing a dog who needs to be trained,” Sirius smiled, helping Remus with making the bed ready for Harry, putting pillows in the right place.

“Maybe, but he’s _your_ godson, in the end,” Remus shrugged, tucking a duvet under Harry’s chin to keep him warm. “Maybe both of you have something in common with puppies.”

They laughed silently, watching as Harry was slowly closing his eyes and eventually falling asleep. Watching him like that was surprisingly soothing.

“A lot has happened today, huh?” Sirius started, still observing Harry.

“He is your godson,” Remus continued the thought from a moment ago, ignoring Sirius’s attempt to have a casual conversation.

It sounded as if Remus was almost hurt by the fact that it was Sirius who had been chosen to be Harry’s godfather.

“Let me get this clear, I’m not jealous,” Remus added, and it sounded honest. He was reading in Sirius’s mind again, answering questions Sirius didn't ask. “I’m just- he is supposed to be with _you_ , sure, because you are his _family_. And me? Who am I to him? And… me? With you, with both of you under one roof? What about the full moons?”

He looked worried and Sirius couldn’t blame him, but he knew they were going to be alright. Remus had a right to be concerned, but Sirius felt like he shouldn’t hold onto this feeling much longer.

“You are his family as much as I am,” Sirius stated, looking Remus deep in the eyes. “You were there when Lily was pregnant, and you were the first one to notice that she _was_ pregnant, actually. Even before she did. Remember? You and your werewolf senses.”

They smiled at the memory.

“You were with us when she gave birth and you were there when Harry made his first sounds and steps. You were their best friends as much as I was, and you are his family too, Remus. Don’t you forget that,” he added, nodding and trying to sound as encouraging as he could.

He was honest with all of this. He wished Remus could feel that.

“As for your full moons, we can manage. We can do that, really. Everything will be okay. I think Harry will be excited when he grows up and learns how many cool things you can do and how strong you are. Hey, I’m telling the truth,” he said as soon as he noticed doubt in Remus’s eyes. “We still have like, what, two weeks before the full moon? That’s plenty of time to get ready for this and figure out what to do with Harry,” he finished, putting a reassuring hand on Remus’s shoulder.

Remus blinked and smiled, but then started to make his way out of Harry’s bedroom to head downstairs.

“Are you okay with staying in the bedroom here on the first floor, though?” he stopped midway and asked Sirius.

“Yes, it’s perfect. Next to Harry, and stuff,” he said, feeling like a nervous teenager all of the sudden.

This was the nicest conversation they'd had in months.

And it was almost finished.

_Damn._

He didn't want that to stop.

“Okay,” Remus smiled gently, looking tired but beautiful.

They just stood there and observed each other, not saying a word. After a minute which felt like an hour, Remus shook his head and smiled wider.

“Thank you, Sirius.”

“For what?”

“For the things you’ve just said.”

It was difficult not to hug Remus right here and there, and it took all Sirius’s willpower to remain still. He finally opened his mouth and decided to speak.

“I’m happy you’re here with me,” he said.

The look on Remus's face was not what Sirius expected to see. It felt cold and distanced.

“Goodnight, then,” was all that Remus said, and suddenly he looked sadder than a second ago.

Sirius couldn’t wrap his head around it.

Remus was gone before Sirius could say anything more.

Later, when Sirius was lying in his bed, he finally understood. It took him a while, but when the thought reached his mind, he was so astonished by his own stupidity that he slapped his head.

“Idiot,” he muttered to himself.

It was obvious.

They still needed to talk about the break up. He couldn’t just run around and say that he was happy to be around Remus like that, as nothing had happened. He sighed and closed his eyes, feeling painfully sad and overwhelmed by all the events.

But tomorrow was going to be another day. And he was ready to make that count.

That night Remus visited him in his dream, with his soft kisses and lazy, warm touches.

“Do you remember how we were?” Remus said to him.

Sirius shifted in his sleep, trying to reach for someone who was not there in bed with him. The dream felt so real.

“I do.”

“Then remind me.”


	6. Tears in their own embrace.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So our boys will finally talk and explain the things to each other! Prepare for some soft moments after the storm, the long promised fluff is coming!  
> Enjoy :)

The morning came softly and warmly.

Remus opened his eyes. The thought of Sirius and Harry, sleeping above his bedroom in their new ones, put a smile on his face. It felt calm. Then sad.

But even if the whole situation meant the death of Remus’s best friends, he decided that he had to keep fighting for the little Potter. Having Sirius by his side no longer seemed like a life sentence – it appeared as a sudden opportunity to reconnect old paths and learn to be friends again. And Remus wanted that. Badly. Then the thought of betrayal and Sirius’s mistrust tried to corrupt his mind. Maybe he was trapped. Maybe being next to Sirius was not a good idea in the end. Maybe Sirius will accuse him of some another absurd thing.

He couldn’t blame himself for being wary, though. Sirius was, indeed, the only person that had sworn to never leave Remus. And then he broke that promise.

All those months without Sirius had been truly dolorous, even if Remus didn’t want to admit that and it had been easier to drown his sorrows and not think about the consequences of his own actions and emotions. He knew very well how unhealthy that was, but he needed to stay sane to continue working on the Order’s missions. Facing the truth was not going to help him back then.

Now, however, things were different, and he felt a strong urge to let it all out. But in a healthy way. No more drinking and hiding behind the curtain of obdurateness.

He stood up from the bed and stretched his long limbs like a cat. He smiled at the memory of Sirius mocking him because of that behaviour, and stating how _unacceptable_ it was for Remus to act like a cat, when Sirius was _clearly_ a very respected dog, _thank you very much._

Remus got dressed and looked at himself in a small mirror next to his bed. His hair was a bit too long, and messy too, but he liked it this way – he could hide a huge scar on his forehead thanks to this. It brought him more confidence and less questions from other people. In order to get by, he’d found a job in an old car workshop before Dumbledore asked him to quit. He knew his way around cars well enough to not get fired, and he turned out to actually come in handy as weeks passed by. The reason why he couldn’t find a job in the wizarding world was simple. As he grew older, it no longer became surprising to him that wizards and witches no longer wanted to work with him when they found out about his lycanthropy. He just decided to let go and find another job in the muggle word. Remus was too tired of this constant fight with prejudice. He couldn’t stay annoyed forever. He physically couldn’t.

“It _should_ annoy you, though. In fact, it should be _illegal_ to have something against it. _Fuck_ , why do they care, you’re not a monster, these cunts-” a very angry Sirius said a few years ago, but Remus just shrugged at the words then.

Remus knew Sirius meant well and he knew how passionate he had become about any social cause. Them being together was one thing to fight for – their love, _forbidden_ in the eyes of the society, was one thing.

Remus being a werewolf was a totally different case.

“It’s the same,” Sirius said once, cupping Remus’s face in his hands. “Us living being together, and us fighting for the rights of people like us, so why-”

“No,” Remus smiled sadly, grabbing Sirius’s wrists gently. “Do not compare fighting for our case with the whole lycanthropy shit. People like me and you... are not dangerous to society, and that’s why we keep fighting with the system. We know we _are_ normal. That’s why we know we are _right_ when we go on these protests and sign the petitions. But me being a werewolf? Padfoot, face it, I am a-”

“Don’t say that,” Sirius shook his head and placed a soft kiss on Remus’s forehead, right where the biggest scar on his face was. “Don’t finish the sentence. You’re a _human._ And frankly speaking, my favourite one.”

Now, a few years later, Remus smiled at the memory of this conversation, and soon felt tears in his eyes. _Not_ _here_ _, Remus,_ he thought to himself. _Go and prepare some breakfast._ _Be an adult._

He looked at the clock. It was just five minutes after six and he figured both Sirius and Harry would still be asleep.

As for his new job… With the Harry situation, Dumbledore proposed to find Remus another one – this time in the wizarding world. He had been wondering for days what exactly would that be, but at the moment he was definitely way too hungry to continue with his contemplation. He opened the door and suddenly felt the smell of burned eggs and bacon.

“God,” he whispered, and sprinted to the kitchen.

Sirius was standing there, just in his boxers and a t-shirt, and looked at Remus with terrified eyes, but then tried to smile:

“Oh, hi!”

“Oh, no!”

“Oh, come on, it’s not _that_ bad.”

“Oh, it pretty much _is_!”

Remus came closer to the cooker and lifted the pan to save it from fire. What was left from the eggs and bacon now reminded a very sad version of coal.

“Sirius...” Remus whined, and then burst out laughing.

“I’m sorry, I was trying to make some breakfast for us, but-”

“ _You_ were trying to make some breakfast?” Remus raised his eyebrows.

“Well,” Sirius rubbed the back of his neck and chuckled nervously. “I thought, since our lives are different now, with Harry and all, we need to help each other out. You know?”

He looked adorable, with his puppy eyes and a small smudge of ketchup on his cheek. When they lived together it was Remus who cooked for them on days when they didn’t order some food, although he was not a specialist either. He just knew how to do basic things that Sirius had never been taught in his family, and the Potters had food made by James’s mother.

“So this is why you’ve decided to burn our kitchen down?” Remus’s asked.

For some reason, he just couldn’t be too angry with Sirius now.

“I must inform you I am a food specialist now,” he strutted, holding his chin up.

“Clearly,” Remus rolled his eyes. “Since when do you cook?”

“Since-” Sirius wanted to explain but stopped himself.

They both knew what he wanted to say.

_Their breakup._

Sirius cleared his throat and smiled, trying to stop them from thinking about the unspoken sentence.

“Well, no reason really, I just thought it would be useful to finally learn how to cook,” Sirius finished diplomatically, and took the pan from Remus’s hands. “Can you go and check on Harry, and I’ll take care of the food? I promise I won’t burn it this time.”

Remus nodded, feeling empty at the thought of their break up, and then slowly went upstairs to Harry’s bedroom. Maybe the reason why Sirius almost destroyed their new home with fire was very simple; Sirius was _not_ a morning person and it always took him forever to become aware of his surroundings. So why was he already there? The thought of him getting up earlier than Remus could suggest two things – him still remembering the usual hour Remus would wake up, and him wanting to be useful. Both scenarios seemed somehow quite touching to Remus, but the reminder of their break up won the battle of his thoughts and left him feeling sad and anxious.

When he entered the bedroom Harry was not asleep, already standing in his cot, grabbing the wooden parts of it. He reached out to Remus and made a face, as if he wanted to say: “what took you so long?”

“There,” the young man picked him up and hugged, rocking gently. “Uncle Sirius is making us some breakfast. Do you want to see what is it? Do you?”

Harry cooed and pulled at Remus’s hair a bit too headily.

“ _Ouch_ , kid, don’t pull my hair like that, okay?”

Harry smiled and clapped his hands, and then pulled at Remus’s hair again, this time even stronger.

“Mate-”

“Mo-ey!”

Remus sighed.

_Who said it was going to be easy?_

***

Two weeks passed by too quickly and too slowly at the same time. They didn’t celebrate Sirius’s birthday, and the topic was not even mentioned once. Remus didn’t forget about it though, and Sirius didn’t hold a grudge or asked any questions. This year was different and they silently agreed on the fact that celebrating anything just a few short days after the Potter’s death was _way_ out of place.

So they didn’t.

Instead, they established some rules in the house. Together they agreed on the cleaning and shopping schedule, decided who would wake up and go check on Harry in the middle of the night, who should take him “on a walk” and who would be the one to cook and a particular day.

All of it was rather helpful, and because of the schedule they didn’t interrupt each other too much. The days were pretty silent, with the occasional laugh coming from Harry or some TV sounds from a TV that Remus bought. Surprisingly, Sirius didn’t complain about cleaning and cooking, and Remus was okay with waking up in the middle of the night to calm Harry down, not even complaining once – no matter how much he loved sleeping. They worked good together, mainly because they succeeded on not bothering each other. The only time all three of them were in the same room was during breakfast, dinner and supper.

That was all.

And they used these moments as an excuse to this “no talking, just eating” rule. They remained polite towards each other, with all the “thank you” and “oh, sorry”, but it was no secret to them that such attitude existed just so they wouldn’t cross the border between “I tolerate you and mean no harm for the sake of raising Harry” and “We still have some unexplained shit going on and you’ve hurt me so much”.

Again, both of them silently agreed on not talking about their past. As constrainedly as it might seem, it was better than facing their yet unspoken pain.

As least for now.

By the time the third week started, Sirius had had enough of their behaviour. He sighed, and then went inside the house from the garden. Seeing Remus play with Harry on a carpet was a truly heartwarming sight, but Sirius decided to join them at the cost of being killed by Remus’s gaze.

“Can I help you?” Remus smiled, but his smile did not reach his eyes.

“No, I just want to play with you guys,” he shrugged and pick some toy from the ground, slowly positioning himself on the carpet.

“You can play with Harry in an hour, when I will go to do some shopping.”

The way Remus sounded sent a shiver down Sirius’s spine.

“I thought maybe you two would need a company with all these racing cars competitions.”

“We’re fine,” Remus said, standing up from the carpet and coming closer to the table, when he’d left a, _now cold_ , coffee before. “You’ll have your time with him in an hour.”

“Remus-”

“Sirius.”

How foolishly Sirius felt at that moment, for believing that maybe something had changed between them for good and they were ready for the conversation. That they were, yet again, heading into a good direction in their life. But the more days passed since the death of the Potters, the more closed Remus seemed. He truly smiled only when he thought Sirius was not observing him and Harry play. It seemed weird, especially because he saw this real Lupin smile on their first morning here, when he almost burned the kitchen. And then the thought of their break up was brought up, so maybe that explained the whole situation. He missed that smile, but enjoyed seeing it when Remus thought Sirius was not looking.

What a delight that was, the sight of Remus and Harry spending time together. Remus had always been good with different tasks or sports, and so it came as no surprise when Harry clapped and laughed and cooed happily when they got to spend their time together. Remus was inventive and creative, and so _damn_ funny that it seemed natural for everyone to look at him awe whenever he was doing something.

Sirius sighed and gave up, raising his hands in a peaceful gesture. He turned around and went back to the garden, feeling a massive headache coming.

Later that day, in the evening, he decided to try again. With the conversation thing.

Remus was supposed to start his new job in a week, so for now he enjoyed his free days and lazy evenings. The date of his first day at new job also near to the full moon, and that didn’t help at all. Sirius gulped and then pulled himself together, coming to sit next to him on a couch.

Harry was asleep in Remus’s bedroom, so they could hear any sound coming from the baby just in case something happened.

“May I?” Sirius asked, pointing at the couch.

Remus smiled his empty smile again, and nodded.

The young Black sat down and made sure to keep his distance from Remus, in order to give him space and not scare him off.

_Don’t blow it._

“Excited for your new job?” he asked, looking at Remus’s face.

He was still starring at the TV, the blue light coming from it and gently brushing his beautiful face. Sirius wanted to touch him.

A nod was all that came from Remus.

“What is that, really?”

“What’s what.”

“The job.”

A shrug.

“Well, it’s some paper work in the ministry. Some regulations and stuff.”

It was Sirius who nodded this time, slowly giving up on the conversation. Maybe it was not a good day. He sighed and tried for the last time:

“What are we watching?”

A smirk appeared on Remus’s face, but it felt cold. He chuckled, but it sounded mean.

“Funny,” he said, almost as if he said that only to himself. “It’s a Bond movie.”

“Oh, I know Bond movies. It’s about some policeman, right?”

“An agent, but yeah,” Remus answered.

Sirius felt himself sweating from the fact that they were actually having a casual conversation like that. After months. _Months._

 _Don’t blow it. And calm your heart,_ _God_ _._

“Why is that funny, though?” he dared to ask, and that was a mistake.

He just didn’t know it yet.

“Well, you see, Bond here thinks that this girl he slept with is a spy,” Remus explained, sounding rather bitter.

Sirius rested his head at the back of the couch and closed his eyes. He pinched the bridge of his nose.

“For me it’s pretty funny. Not trusting people he fucks. Maybe it’s always just about sex. And she was his girlfriend, or whatever. They even lived together. Who would trust a person they share their life with, anyway,” Remus continued, clenching his fists.

If Sirius had had a choice, he wouldn’t have dared to move, but that was a different situation. It was high time to be an adult. He sat up and looked at Remus, who was still looking at the movie.

“I would like to talk about that.”

No reaction.

Sirius sighed, annoyed, and tried to find that _thingy_ he had seen Remus would use to _turn on_ the TV. He looked around and couldn’t find it, but finally his eyes rested on Remus’s lap, where he was holding the thing.

“Gimme that,” he ordered, reaching out his hand.

Remus huffed and changed his position, holding the remote control way out of Sirius’s reach.

“Give me the thing, Remus Lupin.”

“Why would I? I’m watching a movie that seems too realistic to finish it just like that. Don’t interrupt me. Besides, you don’t even know the thing you’re asking for.”

“I _do_ know it.”

“Then name it!”

“It’s a… the TV thingy.”

“You’re pathetic,” Remus shook his head and tried to change his position again, when his sight was blocked by Sirius’s hand.

That was enough.

“Fuck that TV thing, I actually can name the thing I’m asking for.”

“Oh yeah?” Remus looked him straight in the eyes for the first time that evening.

His eyes were fierce, and any other person would back off. But Sirius didn’t.

“Yeah! I would like to explain the things between us. That’s the thing I’m asking for.”

For a moment it seemed like Remus wanted to say something, but his lips just parted and stayed like that, without any sound coming from him.

They were panting, and froze in their positions of trying to keep Sirius from getting the remote control and trying to actually take it away from Remus.

Both of them moved slowly and came back to their original positions on the couch. Remus pressed a button and turn off the TV.

“Well,” he said, facing Sirius. “Go on, then.”

Any other person would see just anger in Remus’s eyes. Anger and disappointment. But Sirius knew these eyes, and he had seen all of it. He had seen these eyes smiling, he had seen them crying, waking up and falling asleep. He had seen how broken they can look and how happy, how confused and intrigued. How full of love and hate they may appear. How indifferent.

Just like now. They seemed almost empty and neutral.

Almost.

Sirius could see a little bit of hope and grievance in them, and also wariness.

He hated the situation but that was the situation he had to face regardless of his emotions. He sat in a way Remus could see all of him.

“Wanna know how it all started? Okay. It was difficult, for all of us. Everyone was becoming more and more suspicious, and I remember very clearly how Moody was lecturing us on keeping our eyes wide opened, and expecting that a traitor could be anywhere. We knew we had a ratter, do you remember? It was bloody weird that the Death Eaters always knew where we were heading and what we were doing.” He spoke slowly and carefully, observing Remus’s smallest reactions very intently. “James… James and… and Lily,” he had to close his eyes for a moment, but then pulled himself together and continued talking. “Were getting slightly paranoid too. And me? I was even suspecting _me,_ fuck! I was like – am I doing anything that can leave a trail for anyone and lead them to us? Am I missing something? Was I under the imperius curse? So I felt lonely in all of this. And then Sturgis Podmore suggested that we should suspect our partners and relatives.”

Remus shifted uncomfortably on the couch but remained silent.

“I remember very clearly that day,” Sirius continued, his voice giving him away. He was getting more and more emotional. “When he came to me and kept saying things about my family. About Regulus, and my mother, and how _once-a-Black-always-a-Black_ rule still applies to me. He kept saying horrible things, Remus. Truly. He was laughing at me and judging me, saying how I was not worthy of being here, how it was impossible to trust me. And that I should be even more careful than other members, because at any moment they could kick me out. He warned me that it would better be me, who finds out who the spy is. And I remember I wanted to talk to _you_ about it, but you came back from one of your missions, and you even barely looked at me. And at this point it was weeks since we even gently touched each other. I remember the last time we had sex, Remus. That was on that day.”

He was trying to keep calm, but his voice was already trembling. Remus’s expression was impossible to read.

“I remember it. I remember that no matter what, us having sex would always be the time for talking, after we were done. And it was _you_ who taught me that!” Sirius felt dangerously close to breaking, but he kept going. “I never… it was not my idea to talk and like, discuss our emotions. _You_ taught me that it is the base, the foundation of any relationship, especially after moments like this. And that night the sex was so cold, so raw, and I remember I wanted to say something, and you just shook your head and told me to go to sleep.”

“Because I was angry with you!” Remus finally spoke, frowning. “I was angry that you even suggested having sex in the first place! It had been weeks without our normal touch and conversation and then suddenly _you_ proposed something like that. I agreed _only_ because I thought that _you_ would explain your weird behaviour after it, but nothing like that happened. You just let me shag you and then started talking about the missions again! And I was so tired of that _burden_ we had to carry, so stressed and anxious, and so angry that even in such moment you wanted to discuss the things connected to the Order!”

“I was getting to the point of us discussing our trust!” Sirius said, shocked that Remus reacted that way months ago and that _it_ was the reason he told Sirius to stop talking.

That was insane. Their lack of communication seemed insane.

“Well, you shouldn’t have stopped talking then! _F_ _uck,_ Sirius,” Remus buried his face in his hands.

“But that’s the thing with you! You always say how talking about emotions is important, and then you just- you just push people away,” Sirius came closer to Remus and dared to grab his wrists in order to force Remus to look at him. Silver eyes met the amber ones. “That night something broke in me. All the suspicions, and all the-”

“Why did you want to have sex that night?!” Remus was breathing heavily, voice tight with emotion.

“Because that was my last idea for us getting close again and maybe talking!”

“Oh, how fucking fantastic! A great idea, _really._ Really mature, Sirius.”

Sirius huffed, angry.

“Why did you agree then, huh? If that was such a fucking huge problem, why did you agree?

That caught Remus off guard for a short moment, but then he answered.

“I was feeling like… we were more and more far away from each other, and I maybe… I wanted to keep… I… I guess I thought that could bring us close again, but you acted too cold during this, and I was so tired, I was so bloody tired, Sirius, and then the first thing you spoke about was about my missions and the Order-”

“So I could ask you about it, and you never wanted to speak about it, and everybody was already suspecting you!” Sirius interrupted him sharply.

“Since when _you_ are everybody?”

“Since you’ve started treating me like everybody! Not trusting me any more!”

“I was earning Dumbledore’s trust by completing these missions!” Remus stood up and looked down at Sirius.

“And you forgot about me! What about _my_ trust?” Sirius joined him on his feet.

Remus headed to the garden and went outside, in order to not wake Harry up with their voices. Sirius followed soon after him.

The neighbourhood was silent and dark at this hour, and the sky was clear enough to show all the stars and the upcoming full moon.

Something send a shiver down Sirius’s spine. The atmosphere was overwhelming, but he needed to let it all out. _Now or never._ He sighed, feeling like a fighter after a round.

The next round was about to begin.

“Remus, why did you care about Dumbledore’s ultimate trust and-”

“Because I’m not like you, all of you, okay?!” Remus shouted, and then he grabbed his own hair and started to pull it. “Okay?! I have to prove again and again that I’m not a monster, that I won’t fucking _eat_ anyone, that I won’t kill anyone, or worse – turn them into a werewolf like me! And Dumbledore has always been putting his trust in me, so when he asked me about the missions and not telling anyone about what I was doing, _of course_ I listened! Of course I did that, Sirius! His trust means so much to me, because, fuck – because even _now_ he vouches for me! With this new job at the ministry!”

Sirius closed his eyes and breathed the cold, November evening air into his lungs. He was not sure if he was trembling from emotions or from cold.

“So earning my trust is less important than Dumbledore’s?”

“No! But I, for once, naively thought it was something I didn’t have to earn any more, and it would be obvious to have you on my side!”

That actually made sense. Sirius couldn’t believe how blind he was.

“You should have told me, you should have sworn that...” he started, but was interrupted by Remus again.

“But was I- was us- was that not enough? To trust me?”

Remus was crying now, silent tears streaming down his face.

“You’ve never named us, I mean, put a label on the thing we had and-” Remus said, gesturing with his hands between him and Sirius. “Is that why it was not enough?”

“Well, maybe I should have named it. Maybe we _both_ should have done that. It’s not only on me, Remus.”

“Yeah, but from what I remember you were the more hesitant one and you would always be scared of this topic. I once tried to talk about it, and you silenced me with your finger. I had to stop you from panicking when we kissed for the first time. I had to convince you that you would be a great godfather for Harry. Remember? I was always careful when it came to forcing you to admit stuff or to say them at loud.”

“Fuck…” Sirius sighed, and came closer to Remus. “It never occurred to me that the reason you didn’t want to talk about the mission was because of all that… But can you now see better why I became suspicious of you?”

Remus shook his head, and tried to wipe off the tears with the sleeve of his sweater.

“No, not really. I could never do something like that to you, Sirius.”

There was pain in his eyes as he said that, and he took a step back when Sirius moved closer.

“Do you remember what I said when I brought Harry to your place?” he said, stopping and giving Remus some space.

Remus shook his head as an answer.

“I said,” Sirius was surprised that the was still talking without crying. “I said that me having all those feelings for you, _but_ thinking that there is a possibility you are a spy – that it would finish me. So if you didn’t want to tell me anything, and we really were distanced from each other, I… I thought you didn’t… have feelings for me any more.”

“What feelings?” Remus was the one who took a step forward this time, and his voice sounded small and silent. “You always talked about having _those feelings,_ but what really are they, Sirius? Us living together and banging, being best friends but not really, what was that to you? What it all meant?”

That was the most difficult conversation in all his life, but Sirius decided to be strong right here and there. He couldn’t lose Remus twice.

“You want the truth? Okay. Here’s the truth,” He lifted his chin, trying to meet Remus’s eyes. “You touched me like no one else did. You taught me how to calm down, but literally and entirely. And you showed me that the world doesn’t end with my family. You encouraged me to be braver and you made me a better person. I know in the end I failed you, and I’m sorry that I couldn’t see my own absurd behaviour. But I was so scared, and fear makes us do crazy things. So does love, I guess. And I’m not sure which emotion was it when I left you. Was I afraid that you are a spy, or that you _being_ a spy would break my heart, so I couldn’t stay there and allow it, like a coward? Because you have this power to break my heart. Remus...”

Sirius came closer and this time Remus didn’t move, accepting Sirius’s presence. He allowed Sirius to touch his hands.

“When we were teenagers I was reckless and stupid and maybe still am, maybe that didn’t change, but one thing has changed for sure,” he continued, looking at Remus’s beautiful face.

The moonlight painted Remus like the most mesmerising picture.

“My feelings for you have changed. The thing I felt for you when we first kissed, or slept together for the first time…” Sirius cupped Remus’s face and felt the tears on his fingers. “That is _nothing_ compared to how I feel now. I’ve never said that at loud, so here goes nothing – if you decide that after what you’re about to hear, after all of this, you want things to be like they have been for the past two weeks, so be it. I can’t force you to anything or make a decision for you. Never again. But you have to hear me out now.”

They looked at each other, standing so close that there was just them in the world.

Sirius took a deep breath and couldn’t stop his tears any longer. He had let them out, as well as his words.

The memories came to Sirius one by one, appearing bright just like the stars above their heads.

Their first year at Hogwart, with Remus’s messy hair and warm smiles. Their first nights when they slept next to each other or talked for hours. Their arguments, their games, their lazy weekends. The way Remus looked after the transformations. How he laughed at Sirius's jokes. How his cheeks looked during their winter walks. How his chest moved when he was breathing after a long run. The way he looked after they slept together for the first time. His passions and hobbies and observations, making him endlessly amazing. Remus in the sun, Remus in his arms, Remus waiting for him in their flat. Remus at James’s wedding, dancing with Sirius, even though everyone was looking. The way Remus was now. After all of this, he was sure. So he finally said it.

“It looks like somewhere along the line I fell in love with you.”

The space around them felt like a magnet. Remus seemed to stop breathing.

Sirius would have fainted if the adrenaline had let him do it. He gulped, not sure what to do next, so he just rested his forehead against Remus’s. The gesture felt painfully familiar, being something they used to do so very often. Remus did not resist.

Having him so close felt surreal to Sirius, and he prayed for this moment to last forever.

“So there. There is the truth. And if you- if you don’t want me, for which I won’t blame you, just say it. “Sirius had to close his eyes to try to stop his tears from falling. “I want us to be together, Moony... I want you to be mine and me to be yours, and I promise I will never doubt you, I will never fail you again. Let me love you, Moony, or tell me to leave the things as they are, and I’ll respect that. All I ask is… please forgive me.”

Remus closed his eyes and put his arms on Sirius’s shoulders.

“Tell me you love me again,” he whispered.

“I love you, Moony.”

“Again.”

“I love-”

And suddenly Remus’s lips were on his, kissing Sirius deeply and hungrily. Their hands were everywhere, touching and holding each other closer, _closer, closer_ _,_ and when Sirius let out a soft moan, Remus groaned at that and tightened his embrace.

“I am yours,” Sirius repeated, gasping for air, and then started kissing Remus all over his face.

He brushed a hand through Remus’s hair and started placing soft kisses all over his scars, allowing their tears to mix together in their own embrace.

“Remus, I would do anything for you,” he kissed him again, now slower, enraptured at how secure he felt in Remus’s strong arms. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, oh God, I’ve missed you so much… You make me crazy, you know that?”

Remus pushed Sirius against the wall and kissed him harder, and moaned when Sirius gasped at that. They slowed down after a moment, enjoying their touch and closeness. They stood like that for a while, their foreheads rested against each other, and just breathed together in silence.

“I’ll kill you one day, Sirius Black,” he chuckled, and Sirius joined him in this moment, smiling widely.

Remus took Sirius’s hand in his and guided him to their house, with Harry sleeping softly and soundly inside.

A person appeared in the garden.

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo! It's going to be my first fic that I will try to complete here, with all the chapters and stuff. I hope you'll enjoy it! Feel free to comment on my work, contact me on tumblr so we can scream about wolfstar (tumblr: mahixa), listen to the spotify playlist I've created (and feel free to message me with any song suggestions) (Our Hill of Stars by mahixa) and feel free to correct any of my English mistakes.  
> Have a nice day! :)


End file.
